August 2016

Right, I’ve had enough of Celebrity Big Brother. It’s too intellectually taxing. Soars over my head. I prefer my reality TV shows to be comfortingly moronic. That’s why I just love Channel 4’s ludicrously stupid Eden.

And we’re off on another walk on the dumb side as earnest narrator Paul McGann lies: “In today’s uncertain times 23 people have the chance to start again.” No they don’t.

Carry on Mr McGann: “In an ambitious year-long experiment completely cut off from the outside world they’ll have just enough resources to get started.”

Urgh, sigh, hiss… Grunt Mitchell’s back and he’s trundling around Albert Square exhaling loudly like a man possessed.

One of the least believable aspects of unbelievable EastEnders is the way women are mesmerised by the magnetic allure of ape-like Grant and his appallingly thuggish alcoholic sibling Phil.

Both bald as a coot, the brothers grim exude all the charm of a charging rhino. Although they’re not as good looking. These gorilla-ish goons aren’t exactly giving Brad Pitt a run for his money.

By Henrietta Knight

It’s all happening in Coronation Street over the next few months. Affairs, dodgy deals, bullying and the return of a few familiar characters to the cobbles. And that's not forgetting the plans for another of the show's legendary huge explosions!

New producer Kate Oates was recently poached from Emmerdale to shake up the storylines and crank the flagging soap back into gear.

Here she reveals the seven major new plots that are going to keep us gripped this autumn.

1. Aidan cheats on Eva with Maria