Britain’s Got Talent. Another predictable night of no surprises

Time to read
3 minutes
Read so far

Britain’s Got Talent. Another predictable night of no surprises

April 23, 2016 - 17:14
Posted in:
3 reader reviews
Average: 3.5 (2 votes)
Rate this programme

On the good ship Britain’s Got Talent, Captain Cowell and his obedient crew love to pretend their overrated show is full of surprises.

Britain's Got Talent

On the good ship Britain’s Got Talent, Captain Cowell and his obedient crew love to pretend their overrated show is full of surprises.

But while Simon insists “unpredictability” is the key, for the most part he sails familiar seas. ITV’s end-of-the-pier search for an instantly forgotten nobody is about as unpredictable as a Swiss watch.

After burly bloke Ruby Murry opened the uneventful third episode with a spirited version of Nessun Dorma wearing a giant ginger wig and a tent-sized green gown, his big fat four yeses were a foregone conclusion. First rule of BGT… be nice to cross dressers.

Predictably, Alesha Dixon gasped: “I did not expect that!” I did. “We were not expecting that,” added Dec, dutifully, as Ruby waddled off the stage. Do you see a pattern emerging?

In fairness to Alesha, she was right about feeble Flintstones gyrators Bespoke Candi, whose disastrous dinosaur routine gave prehistory a bad name. Sadly, she failed to grasp the second rule of BGT… all dance groups get an easy ride. Three yeses. Blame Diversity.

But by the time singing mimic Craig Ball had ploughed through his mediocre musical impressions, Ms Dixon had lost her taste for independent opinions. “I wasn’t expecting that,” she said, predictably.

Taking wild overpraising to a whole new level, the Dark Lord gushed: “It was current. It was clever. I think we may have discovered a big star.” Really? Good luck with that.

Lost in theatrical wonder, droll David Walliams declared: “So many were ones you never see people do impressions of.” Especially Miss Piggy and Micky Mouse. So rare.

Quite why “the world’s most powerful couple” Chris and Lisa Pitman wowed all the panellists by smashing a load of roof tiles remains a mystery.

And let’s face it… soldier sweethearts Ian and Anne Marshall’s demented destruction of Beyoncé’s Crazy In Love was beyond abysmal.

But the dismal duo are in their sixties. Rule three… patronise old people. So, naturally, Mr and Mrs Mad got Walliams’ golden buzzer ticket to the semi-finals. What a waste.

Meanwhile, Cowell cried: “It’s acts like you that make me love this show and love this country.” It’s acts like them that make me want to emigrate.

And, of course, Amanda Holden was beside herself with alleged delight. Fourth rule of BGT… easily-pleased Amanda leaps to her feet to give the wannabes a standing ovation at every possible opportunity. It diverts the attention to her favourite person… herself.

Fifth rule of BGT… all choirs must be adored. Like Ireland’s snappily named Presentation Senior Choir and their bespectacled choir-mistress Veronica McCarron. Four yeses. Who’d have thought it?

Ditto, the inevitable universal thumbs up for teen dancer Balance… aka Taylor Goodridge. Who was actually pretty good. But would have got through even if he was rubbish. Rule six… patronise young people.

Far from delivering surprises, Britain’s Got Talent operates within strict guidelines. Week after samey week, it’s tales of the expected. Featuring our favourite clapped-out clichés. One million per cent irritating.

Nevertheless, possibly out of habit, zillions of viewers lap it up. Why change a winning format?

The truth is this less-than-thrilling Saturday special was a disappointingly flat affair. A dud evening of not much happening. And precious little talent. So what’s new? I was expecting that.

There are 3 Comments

Nige Smith's picture

It drags on and on and on and Ariston. Lots of acts all the same. Singers over singing dancers over dancing and judges over acting. Frozen emotionless faces (Amanda) and a scowl from Cowell. Miss Dixon should be put In Dock Green and Walliams simply more camp than Camp Coffee! It's needs a break.

Nipper01's picture

I love BGT but I wish they would cut down on 'back stories' of some of the contestants. It would leave more time for the people who actually have talent. Plus I think it seems too 'fixed' which I think spoils it for viewers who are seeing it at face value.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

These are the reasons lots of people are falling out of love with BGT. Stupid sob stories and blatant stage management. What are you favourite acts of the series?