Britain’s Got Talent: Here come the live semi-finals. Expect the expected

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Britain’s Got Talent: Here come the live semi-finals. Expect the expected

May 22, 2016 - 17:32
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Britain’s Got Talent… the auditions. After seven long weeks, it’s not good news I’m afraid. It’s great news! They’re finally over.

Britain's Got Talent semi finalist Danny Beard

Britain’s Got Talent… the auditions. After seven long weeks, it’s not good news I’m afraid. It’s great news! They’re finally over.

It’s the series everyone’s watching, but no one’s talking about. Cowell’s utterly predictable end of the pier capers have reached the point where we’ve pretty much seen it all before. But with massive audiences still tuning in why change a winning formula?

As the four judges of the apocalypse made their decisions they put the acts they traditionally favour through to the next round. Community choirs, community dance troupes (aka Diversity rip-offs), cute kids, token oldsters, cross-dressers and sob story specialists who love their parents.

That white-faced drag queen Danny Beard was, frankly, frightening. But the moment he sang “I’m just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania” it was transparently clear he’d get four big fat yeses. Dodgy lyrics though. As far as I know, Transylvania isn’t transsexual.

Smart move by 15 year-old Mel to sing a sentimental duet with his mother, Jamie. That’s the sort of schlocky stuff that always hits the spot with easily-pleased Amanda.

“Being a parent it’s so important to give your children space to breath,” she gushed. “You literally didn’t take your eyes off him.” What does that mean? Don’t those two statements contradict each other? Answers on a postcard please…

Also suffering from “literally” disease, Alesha declared: “There are literally no words to describe the feeling you gave everyone in this room.” Translation: “There are plenty of words to describe the feeling you gave everyone in this room… but I am literally not articulate enough.”

Meanwhile, David Walliams continued with his strange straight-man-pretending-to-be-gay routine. Which stopped being funny a long time ago. As did Uncle Simon’s increasingly unconvincing Mr Nasty thing. Why did he give those useless Star Wars storm troopers the golden buzzer? Anyone?

It’s not that this venerable show is wall to wall rubbish. It still has its moments, usually thanks to Ant & Dec. Dead-eyed Ant’s astonishing basketball moment proved that these guys really do walk on water. But for the most part BGT never serves up anything new. Expect the expected.

Naturally, the prattling panellists insisted they hate the bit where they send the losers home. But what millions of bored viewers hate is the bit where they say: “It’s not good news… it’s great news.”

Addressing a giant polar bear and a mediocre mimic, Amanda adopted her best sad expression and solemnly announced: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to put in a lot more work… because you’re absolutely through…”

Alesha: “I’m so sorry to have to be the one to tell you… you’re going to have to prepare for the live shows because you’re through…”

David: “I’m really sorry. We’re sending you home… to work on your acts. Because you’re through…” And so on and so forth.

Never gets old does it? Yes. Make it stop.

As always, the triumphant wannabes who made the grade fell sobbing to the floor, overcome with the emotion the producers told them to fake.

But as the chosen 45 proceeded to the live semi-finals it reminded us that the vast majority of the auditions were risible rubbish.

Quite a few of the success stories were too. The dancing dinosaur? Lord of the Lancastrian Daleks, Davros? That idiot playing the accordion? All still in the fray. Total tellyfilla. Fortunately for those doomed to endure the Royal Variety Performance, none of them stand a chance. Britain hasn’t got enough talent.

Luckily, Moldavia does. A veteran of no fewer than seven Got Talents around the world, that sword swallower could win his second title. He’s already Russia’s Got Talent champ. Ludicrous, but part of a cynical system in which contestants are recruited and recycled year after manipulative year.

Anyway, stand by for five allegedly thrilling nights in a row and then the grand finale on Saturday. I for one have never been less excited. Sorry, I meant more excited. Or did I?

There are 6 Comments

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

By Philip Star

Different twist on a review as I use a number list on why you shouldn't watch Britain's Got Talent:

1.  Lack of British acts, The people not from the UK could perform on there own version of the show.

2. The lack of actual talent in the show, We had a performance last night that won't be through to the final a few years ago.

3. There was other things better to watch like Hinterland, Which is great show you should watch on BBC iPlayer.

4 . Simon Cowell is so damn annoying and should be banned from TV in my view.

5. I don't think children should be performing on these types of shows, They likely to not fair competition to the adults who are through because the voters are nationally going to go for age.

6. Would you really watch this when there is a likely a more interesting drama on BBC One tonight?

7. It's likely better to record it because of so many adverts and filler.

Finally I say one good thing about this show that it's not The X Factor which is the worst show on TV.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Submitted by Bobalice24 on Sun, 22/05/2016 - 00:01

The BGT audition phase shuffled off to an unmemorable finale tonight. So many boxes to tick; A slightly amusing older person with even slighter talent who bafflingly received a standing ovation, Johnny, check! Some street dancers, some super athletic basketballers, an acrobat who jumped in a bath before he jumped onto his show rope leaving gay/straight (who knows?) David Walliams all of a quiver, pretty ladies stunning everyone with an 'operatic' version of an Ed sheeran tune.
So far so predictable until Danny Beard turned up looking like a cross between Noel Edmonds and Grace Jones. At last something a bit more original except for his song choice, Sweet Transvesite! Really! Could do better. But at least he had some charisma .
Then we had an average but amusing magician and a slightly creepy mother and son duo. Where have all these odd family acts sprung up from this year? Better than dancing dogs I suppose.
Well we are into the live shows and all of the judges (with no help from the producers) handpicked the acts which will be gracing our screens again next week.
Dont forget as you are casting your votes, viewers that the wining act will be performing in front of the Royal family! You heard it here first

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Submitted by mansellmum on Sun, 22/05/2016 - 12:24

Always find this episode completely unnecessary, they quickly squashed the last remaining auditions in and then we have to watch them standing there apparently arguing (or even caring) over who they are putting through.

Then we have the joy of watching some poor people as their dream crumbles in front of our eyes. Must be awful when you are gathered to face the judges and you look around you and remember the acts around you were crap, you are so going home!

Let's see what the long week ahead brings, very cleverly arranged as usual so we can watch Corrie and ITV will keep hold of their viewers long enough to see the results.

GeordieArmani's picture

I still watch it every year, three reasons - Ant, Dec and David Walliams. If they weren't in the line-up it wouldn't be worth watching.

Some crap acts have gone through but that is what winds people up, some good ones gone through too. Will we ever hear of the winner again? who won last year?
exactly :)

joanne☆'s picture

If tonight's show is as boring as last night's 1st Semi-Final, I think I may have to turn over (boo hoo) ;-) I don't think any of the acts last night were outstanding and did not up their game and certainly I don't think any were better than their audition, well maybe the guy Richard was! In fact I found him more entertaining than any of the other acts!! Maybe it's time to call it a day BGT!

PhilipStar's picture

All in all, Judging by the reaction people are just tuning in out of habit really. There is nothing of talent in this show at all.

Wish it was finished so people stop going on about it. It's TV people like to moan about instead of turning to a different channel.