Sadly, everyone kept their balance and therefore The Brits were unspeakably dull. Where was Madonna when we needed her?

In the absence of any major stars toppling over, we were left to endure a marathon night of wall to wall tedium.

Adele won about 300 awards, Annie Lennox and Gary Oldman delivered 45 minute lectures about how great David Bowie was (we know!) and Simon Cowell couldn’t find his seat.

But enough of the highlights. And onto the scantily clad bimbo who squeezed between squirming hosts Ant and Dec and disgraced the screen nicely before the family viewing watershed.

The dreary show dragged on for ever. Two and half hours we’ll never get back. Ant and Dec did their best to lighten the load but despite the genial duo’s energetic efforts the sprawling ceremony at London’s cavernous O2 died a slow death.

It started terribly with a bafflingly random dance routine by a bunch of gyrating ladies in red, lurched into a life-sapping Coldplay song… and went downhill from there.

Apart from a spirited Bowie tribute by Lorde, none of the live performances made their mark. Although Justin Bieber seemed determined to set fire to the place. Despite surrounding the stage with a blazing inferno, he went down in flames. Just bland.

But at least we witnessed the historic reunion of Nick Grimshaw and Cheryl (insert current surname here), the brilliant judges who turned the last series of The X Factor into such a stunning success. Great to see the triumphant twosome together again presenting a trophy.

Meanwhile, during one of her many acceptance speeches, Adele started swearing and as ITV’s bleep guy tried to cut off her sound, the sobbing singer’s only audible words were “f***ing bored”. Couldn’t have put it better myself.