Celebrity Big Brother. Sweet dreams aren’t made of this

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Celebrity Big Brother. Sweet dreams aren’t made of this

January 12, 2017 - 19:48
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5 reader reviews
Average: 3.4 (7 votes)
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I’d heard through the grapevine that Celebrity Big Brother’s least-talked-about series was still going on so I thought I’d take a look.

Celebrity Big Brother

I’d heard through the grapevine that Celebrity Big Brother’s least-talked-about series was still going on so I thought I’d take a look.

What did I miss? An allegedly famous tool called Ray J quit Channel 5’s house of horror because he had a toothache. But since he spent most his time asleep his departure was never going to make a whole lot of difference.

The exodus of the nonentities continued apace as world renowned tramp lookalike Brandon Block joined Ray on the return trip to obscurity. The first thing the scruffy DJ said all week was when he gathered the other C-listers around him to explain his exit.

“I’ve not been feeling me,” he said, oddly. “I’ve not been happy for days.” Nor have the bored viewers. Farewell then, Brandon, it was real.

Back in the compound of doom, that guy Austin (still no word on the nature of his superstardom) was arguing with all and sundry because he misses his boyfriend. In a less than sympathetic response, the Brad Pitt of dance James Jordan growled: “F***ing boohoo!”

In other samey news, unsupermodel Nicola McClean was missing her kids so she sobbed in the Diary Room. And – drum roll – former footballer Jamie O’Hara was missing his kids so he sobbed in the Diary Room. He hoped they wouldn’t think he was “a div”. Fat chance.

Meanwhile, a woman who no one can remember doing moderately well on The X Factor USA was getting on everyone’s nerves.  For what it’s worth her name is Stacy and she doesn’t like her fellow American Jasmine Waltz, who she accused of having “a fake face and a fake personality”. Correct.

“I’ll be as loud as I want to,” screamed Stacy. “And louder and louder and louder!” She wasn’t joking. “Just stop talking,” pleaded Austin. We should be so lucky. She didn’t stop talking and – it’s safe to predict – never will.

As Stacy clashed with self-styled formidable person Angie Best, terror twins Jedward were struggling to come to terms with being grown-ups. They’re not handling adulthood well. “It’s like the two biggest nobodies are the two biggest attention seekers,” sighed John in what I assumed was a reference to themselves.

When the talent-free Irish brothers launched into a tuneless rendition of their long forgotten single Ferocious, Coleen snarled: “Why would you come in here and sing your own f***ing song?” Good question.

Irritating task The Land Of Nod involved them all wearing bedclothes while “dream team” Nicola and James J. bossed them around. When the fine dining duo were awarded the privilege of choosing any meal they liked, the opted for a load of old McDonald’s. Including 20 Chicken McNuggets. Sophisticated pallets.

In amongst the madness, that ludicrous Speidi pair desperately try to be combative and entertaining. And fail. Calum Best has a lot of tattoos. Er… that’s it. And veteran actor James Cosmo sits there in sullen silence, barely able to comprehend what he’s got himself into.

And finally, a slumber party during which Mr Jordan straddled Ms Nolan and writhed around like a Poundland porn star. “I can feel it!” cried Coleen in genuine horror. Then the music played… Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This. They SO aren’t.

There are 5 Comments

PhilipStar's picture

Even through Celebrity Big Brother is not what it used to be, I miss watching people having a real conversion in the Big Brother house.

Opinionated Mo's picture

In a particularly annoying bunch of people Coleen is really irritating me .I've decided that she is in fact a very good actress, whose money grabbing antics have no boundaries.Who and why would someone have therapy,invite in tv cameras and then air it just before she goes into CBB. Who if they were really going thru a stressful time would go back into the CBB house where last time she cried and moaned throughout.Who would leave loose women sell a story about how bad it was working there then go back. Who also sells a story about how terrible it was loosing a sister to try and make money out of her sisters death. She then pretends to be a vulnerable lovely little women whom we should all feel sorry for whilst going for the jugular of anyone who dares to say anything she doesn't like.

mansellmum's picture

By Alex Latimer @mansellmum

Well CBB is back again for it's first run of the year with its usual barely recognisable celebrities. This aside I am quite enjoying it, or was until some horror from Geordie Shore (of course) entered the house on Friday, screaming and shouting, what a delightful young lady, a role model for my three daughters' NOT!! God love her though she did manage to go about an hour before whipping her clothes off, much to the embarrassment of the boys I think she thought she was impressing.

Poor Callum Best (his Dad was a famous footballer) you have to feel for him, he just got rid of his Mum and now these ladies (?) just won't leave him alone. I can't see it myself, give me James Jordan any day (I know, I know) he's a complete wind up merchant but he's making the show for me, I defy anyone not to have had a little snigger when he told Kim to go and wash some dishes and Jamie (who's missing his kids) that he was a washed up footballer.

Coleen's venture into the house again has backfired big time, she has probably, by now, realised she isn't as popular as she thought she was (the female Osmonds'....really)! Maybe she should have stayed at home and saved her marriage or more importantly saved us from having to watch her sister have a face lift on Loose Women.

Speidi have been a disappointment this time around, they actually seem to be quite nice at times so that booking spectacularly backfired, am quite liking Nicola and Bianca as well. Stacey has a big mouth and Jedward are just as irritating as they have always been, just go away.

Two evictions took place last weekend, which nearly saw Callum get evicted by mistake (I wouldn't have laughed honestly), the hapless Austin went instead to no cheers, boos or anything in fact. Poor Jasmin her eviction was brutal, I actually felt sorry for her, should have been Speidi.

Will be happy at the end as long as a James wins, C or J, I'm not fussy, just don't let it be a Jamie....watch this space.

sharshy's picture

Thank goodness Kim and Jedward entered the BB house the rest of them was like watching paint dry. Kim or Jedward to win.

Wonderhorse's picture

No more - please stop this now - not another show,please! Cheap crap!