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September 03, 2017 - 22:28
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Lauren and Abi

By Anna May @AnnaMayMight

First of all, I’m so glad Jack raced off to the station at the last minute to persuade Ingrid to stay. Totally unexpected…I honestly didn’t think he’d make it…and now I’m really looking forward to weeks and weeks of waiting for them to finally get it on properly. “Oh, we can’t, though!” Well, yes, you can and you will. You already have Ricky and Amy cosying up to Ingrid like a couple of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang rejects. So get on with it…toot sweet (yes, I went there).

Karen Taylor, mum of several, carries on regardless, with not one bra strap slipping down her arm, but two! How much more can Twitter take? Although, a little chat with one of her kids certainly proves what a perfect choice Walford was as a new home for her troubled brood. “When things don’t work out and, believe me, they never do…” is pretty much the default formula for writing an Eastenders script, I’d say.

Jay’s still upset after finding out his real dad died in a fire Phil started. “How’s it feel being married to a murderer?” he asks Sharon. She says nothing, you’ll notice, but on the tip of her tongue are the words, “Same as it’s felt for years to be honest, Jay.” Of course it has…the guy’s a friggin’ nutter!

What a good job Sharon managed to get hold of Jay’s granddad, Bert, so he didn’t have to go all the way to Málaga to find out more. A few hours later, Bert's on the doorstep…with a football scarf so they can lay it on the grave of Jay’s unreal dad, Jason, and say a few words. Oops, he was cremated, so the next best thing is to lay it thoughtfully on a bench in the square for some randomer to nick later.

Cue Phil, the most conspicuous person ever invented, NOT hiding behind a bit of market stall, blatantly watching everything and listening in on their conversation. There is NO WAY they wouldn’t have seen him. Then, after the discussion ends and Jay stomps off, Phil steps back behind the thing he was supposed to be hiding behind in the first place! Other way round, Phil! Other way round!

What’s new Michelle up to now? She tells a guy from work who’s after her, “I know when I’m being messed about, I’m not a teenager.” No, you’re not, but you still rammed your tongue down his throat in the Vic to show off in front of everyone, didn’t you! As for not being messed about, he later sends her a message saying he’s thinking about her at work. He’s not at work, though. He’s sitting outside somewhere at a picnic table. Why can’t anyone in Walford be genuine for a change!

I mean, for a start, what’s Max playing at? Trying to take over the world, that’s what! Well...first Walford…then the world. He just never stops, does he. Shagging Carmel, whilst living with Fi…who’s quite happy to watch him put it about right in front of her face. He can’t believe his luck! Although, she seems to be looking elsewhere herself. It’s all so exciting, isn’t it.

Poor Linda’s now found out hubby, Mick, actually kissed Whitney twice…and not once like he initially told her. One minute, she’s leading him up the stairs for a good seeing to…the next, they’re right back where they started. Keep going…this has the potential to be dragged out forEVER!

You know, I’d begun to miss Peggy’s unfeasibly large bouffant...but, I have to say, Linda’s MASSIVE bun is something else! There’s no way it’s not the result of a spare inner tube and bike pump.

Oh dear...Bobby has phone privileges now…and Jane can’t wait to speak to him! He’s obviously heard she’s up and about on crutches and recovering really well. Time for a brief home visit, then…and time for Walford General to remove the ‘reserved’ sign from Jane’s personal hospital side room and get those pillows plumped up.

Let’s face it, if Bobby doesn’t come out and do her in again, Steven’s bound to be on the verge…after being forced to break the fake news to Ian and Jane about his fake tumour…before immediately being found out by Jane! Not only does she know about the fake tumour now, she knows he’s been having sexy time with Abi as well!

Have a word, though! How thick are Steven and Abi! They hear Louie crying on the same baby monitor that's RIGHT NEXT TO JANE DOWNSTAIRS and STILL go upstairs to discuss ALL their naughty business for Jane to hear through it! I’m sorry, but that kind of thickness is just too much.

Of course…stupid Abi tells Jane it’s nobody’s business what Steven and her do…like they’re the most rock solid couple ever and totally untouchable. Then, she’s at home giving Donna little teasers about the new relationship with her mystery man. She’s completely off her nut!

Even more stupid, though, is the pregnancy test she holds up with the word ‘POSITIVE’ showing wonkily through the little result screen. Oh, COME ON! Everyone knows that particular type of pregnancy test does NOT use the word ‘POSITIVE’, it uses the word ‘Pregnant’…and it’s not on the piss either, it’s straight! I despair, I really do! Seriously…if she IS pregnant, or even if she’s managed to nick a positive test from someone else, and that test is supposed to represent a real one, I won’t be pleased.

So, who will Steven try to kill first? Jane, for saying she’ll tell Ian about his fake tumour and infidelity…or Abi, when she tells him she’s pregnant and he’s too thick to know a badly botched pregnancy test when he sees one.

Finally, I have to hand it to Adam Woodyatt. I know his character, Ian, needs the piss taking out of him pretty much constantly some weeks, but his acting skills never fail to impress. His reaction when he thought Steven was dying really got to me. See…I do appreciate some things about Eastenders…and I think Ian is played brilliantly…and now I’ve said that, he’ll die…you watch.