By Anna May @AnnaMayMight
I haven’t been able to give any thoughts about Eastenders for a couple of months now. Know why? Because there hasn’t really been much to write about. Stacey slept with Max again and ruined her marriage. Yeah, there was that. Oh, and Abi and Lauren fell of the roof of The Vic and now Abi’s dead…but she did have that baby of hers whilst unconscious, so the props department DO want us to believe her stupid fake test was real. I hope they don’t keep using that, because I’ll be looking out for it now.
Hey…and Willmott-Brown’s dead too! Died alone, because…well…no friends and his kids hate him. Although, we’re still not quite sure where Luke’s got to, after being bundled into the back of a van and disappearing. I wonder if the writers have just forgotten they did that. Too busy reversing all the bad things Willmott-Brown did when he was alive. Nobody is losing their homes or businesses anymore. Just like that…all fixed now. Phew! May as well not have happened at all, eh?
Oh, yeah…what about the weird robbery the locals did for Aiden. What even was that?
I feel I’ve had a whole chunk of my life wasted, watching Aiden spend weeks and weeks recruiting random people to help him rob hard-woman Ciara of her jewellery and a huge amount of cash…and for what? I mean…he also spent weeks carefully plotting and planning with his bizarre little gang to ensure the whole robbery would run like clockwork. Yeah, I know, it’s Eastenders…nothing goes to plan, but PLEASE! The van they were robbing ended up outside The Arches in broad daylight and there was so much fighting and shouting, there’s no way the whole Square wouldn’t have heard that.
We’re supposed to believe a bunch of fireworks being let off at specific times of the day would’ve averted people’s attention. No…and even when Linda turned up to witness Mick being shot, she screamed so loudly, it just couldn't have gone unnoticed. I just sat and stared in amazement at the whole episode. This…THIS…is what the previous billion episodes had been working towards?
Then, after the ridiculous robbery was over and the money was hidden, it went missing…again and again and again. OMG! STOP!
Who has the cash? Well, now we know, because Mel has returned to find it for Ciara and, after a little heart to heart with Sharon, she encourages her to boast about nicking it right from under Phil’s nose. We know Ciara is keeping Mel’s son from her until the cash is found, so will the two tough girls work together to sort her out?
Poor Linda. There’s not a week goes by when her Mick isn’t being shot or roughed up. Again, how the HELL did nobody see him struggle LOUDLY and IN BROAD DAYLIGHT outside The Vic before being bunged into a van?
There’s Linda, though, gurning helplessly at the whole scene through an upstairs window, obviously caught up in the drama of it all, before FINALLY running downstairs and out into the road to…yep, you’ve guessed it…scream at the top of her voice as the van drives off. Helpful as ever, that Linda. Another woman destined to join the newly formed Wicked Women of Walford gang.
Kim’s next. Vincent’s keeping far too many secrets from her. Pretty soon, Honey will join, after finding out her Billy not only slept with Tina, but would have happily got into Mel’s knickers when she was sniffing round him to find Ciara’s cash. That money will end up being split between the girls, if the boys don’t pull themselves together.
Actually, didn’t Ian cancel a call from his beloved Jane, who he’s been SO worried about all these months…after meeting Mel in the café? Yes…yes, he did! He was all over her as well! How fickle are these Walford men? It’s just pathetic. Steven’s been murdered, Jane’s missing…but as soon as she calls, he snubs her? Get a grip.
Mind you, Bernadette knows quite a lot about the robbery and might end up coining it in too, if she isn’t too busy secretly playing chess with Ted at the allotments. Now, I know I wanted more for Ted than just being an old bloke living with Joyce and trying to get out of ironing his own shirts, I really did…and watching him fight with Patrick over a pint glass of coins this week, because he’s a bad loser, didn’t help.
The thing is, we’ve now seen Ted has a temper and likes his own way…and Bernadette seems quite a vulnerable girl. I’m dreading this little friendship that seems to be growing between them turning into something more sinister and…for the record…Ted exposing himself to us as child abuser isn’t quite what I had in mind when I said I wanted more for him. Let’s hope the secret meetings are just assumed to be sinister by residents, then revealed as completely innocent. Don’t do that to James Herriot, I just couldn’t bear it.
Back at The Vic, Mick and Linda still need to pay Fi thousands of pounds to keep their pub. They don’t have the cash, obviously. However, the guy who shot Mick during the robbery…who also happens to be a friend of theirs called Halfway…yeah, it’s just crazy…is now working in The Vic. Of course he is!
Anyway, Halfway wants to woo Whitney and offers her a VERY expensive ring in the hope she’ll be his girlfriend. She doesn’t take it, but Mick spots it on the table and has it valued. Turns out it’s worth far more than they need to pay to keep The Vic. Also, this all happens on the very morning the money needs to be handed over to Fi. What are the chances of that! I was so elated at this point, I can’t tell you.
HOWEVER…it can’t be as simple as Mick giving the ring to Fi, can it. No…it cannot. You see, as soon as they find out the ring will save The Vic, that very sparkly and VERY chunky ring is immediately swallowed by Lady Di, the family dog.
Now, I know it’s only make-believe…and, yes, I know it must be hard for the writers to constantly come up with storylines to fill the amount of episodes aired each week…and a little comedy relief to break up the doom and gloom of murders, miscarriages, death and divorce is welcome, here and there…but…
What would you do? Hmmm? Well…firstly, you’d get your dog to the vet as soon as possible. Yes…that’s what you would do. Not just because of the size or shape of the ring. No, no, no…because any hard object could either cause a fatal blockage, or even rip their insides apart. Yeah…it’s kind of what you do when you love your dog.
What you would NOT do is trust the judgement of the STUPIDEST person in the house to rush out and buy shit loads of milk of magnesia in the hope it will send the object flying through your dog’s guts so quickly and easily it’ll be back in your hand within minutes. How long are a dog’s intestines? I mean, in general, how long is the digestive process?
I have to tell you…whatever comedy moments I was supposed to giggle over, courtesy of Shirley and her gruesome skills as a midwife, as she tended to Lady Di...I did not. She delivers the ring like a baby from what we're led to believe is a gushing stream of violent diarrhoea from that poor dog’s anus and we're supposed to find that funny? How can you laugh about the obvious suffering any dog would have to undergo at the hands of idiot owners like this bunch.
I swear…this is the most irresponsible piece of TV I’ve seen in a long time…and I really do watch some shit.