Poor calamity Jane. All she got for Christmas was a clapped out nine year-old Vauxhall. And it went downhill from there.
But if you think Mrs Beale had a bad day, spare a thought for that hard working crane guy still crushing cars late into the night on December 25.
(review date 27.12.15)
Poor calamity Jane. All she
got for Christmas was a clapped out nine year-old Vauxhall. And it went
downhill from there.
But if you think Mrs Beale had
a bad day, spare a thought for that hard working crane guy still crushing cars
late into the night on December 25.
EastEnders eh? It's downbeat
enough at the best of times. But come the alleged season of goodwill the Beeb's
suicide-inducing Cockney saga goes into depressing overdrive.
So what was on the latest
miserable menu to send our spirits plummeting? Two deaths (one human, one
spider), a catastrophic road accident, an injured kid with possible brain
damage and – worst of all – the return of Kat and Alfie.
Along the way, racy Stacey
stole the show at the nativity play by giving birth on stage. Sharon decided to
report psycho boy Bobby to the cops. But changed her mind. Three times. As did
Jane, who has turned almost shopping her sinister son into a weird kind of
“This ends today,” she lied as
the endless aftermath of long forgotten Lucy's demise (in April, 2014!)
continued to spin round in the same old stupefying circles. Make it stop.
Here's that dazzling dialogue
in full. Jane: “We have to go to the police.” Ian: “We don't.” They don't.
Repeat at least twice an episode. For ever.
After finally cottoning on
that he murdered his sister 20 months ago, Bobby pulled the legs off the school
spider and then raced his junior nemesis Denny to Walford Common's notorious
killing fields. Where he left him in a pool of blood.
Fortunately, Phil and Ian
found him alive. Unfortunately, Phil was drunk and when he lost control and
rolled his Range Rover the hapless youngster fell out of the window.
Later at the hospital, Denny's
emotional mother Sharon shouted and screamed while the surgeons prepared to
operate. Presumably, he'll be getting another head transplant. Like the one he
had in September.
Back in the Square, tragic Fat
Boy somehow ended up in the boot of a motor until he became a casualty of that
dedicated scrapyard bloke's unbeatable 24/7 festive service and was squashed to
a pulp. RIP.
Then couple-from-hell Kat and
Alfie Moon arrived from Spain unaware they were intruding on Stacey's maternal
moment of deep sadness. Who's the daddy? Not Martin. And maybe not even Kush.
Meanwhile, on Corrie's
cobblestones nothing much happened at all. Although, in one of the warmest ever
Decembers, it snowed. Deep, crisp, even and fake.
“Something tells me it's going
to be a Christmas to remember,” predicted Robert, inaccurately, as the curtain
fell on Weatherfield's dismally dull 2015.
Crazy Kylie didn't split from
deranged David Platt, Robert didn't propose to toxic Tracy, factory boss Johnny
didn't tell Carla he could be her father, Kevin and Anna didn't kiss under the
mistletoe... and Mary didn't enjoy a
date with married Brendan. Er, that's it. Fail.
Once again, Emmerdale showed
its underperforming rivals a clean pair of heels as Belle dramatically ruined
the Dingles' turkey feast by telling mortified Joanie: “I wish you weren't
sleeping with my dad.” Exit Zak in disgrace.
But great to see the Street's
legendary Liz Dawn checking into the village of the damned's rubbish B&B.
Turns out she's pretty good at playing a comedy battleaxe. Who knew?
And last but certainly least,
Hollyoaks treated us to yet another exploding building. Who cares?