Roll up roll up for another uplifting episode of EastEnders as wheelchair-bound Jane Beale goes to the pub and wets herself. Woohoo. That’s entertainment.

Who wants to watch incontinence in action? Moving on to even more depressing Sylvie Carter… who wants to watch a miserable old sex-obsessed harridan with dementia?

Nothing against people with weak bladders or Alzheimer’s sufferers. They deserve our sympathy and respect. But are they really suitable subjects for a silly soap opera? Only as a reliable way to lose lots of viewers. Hey… it’s working!

So what else is going on in Albert Square’s vale of tears? Unlikely Lotharios Kush and Grant have slept with virtually every woman in the London area, unpleasant alky Phil’s in hospital waiting to receive his killer son Ben’s liver, soppy Pam’s determined to wreck the trial of the guy who murdered Hairband Paul… and Billy’s taking over from transvestite Les as the top undertaker in town.

Meanwhile, in another blockbuster storyline, it looks like overrated stalwart Dot Branning has finally lost her job at the launderette. About time. Even though his never-seen dad was too stupid to realise, Mr Popadopoulus Jnr has worked out that in the 21st century everyone has their own washing machine. About time.

Classic anti-business BBC as daft Dot pleaded for her continued employment by pointing out that during her low-flying 40 year career she’d always stopped to make tea and chat to her customers. That’s no way to run a commercial enterprise, you outmoded old bat. You’re fired.

All over Walford clapped-out characters are staggering around with nothing to do. Once, Stacey Slater was feisty, fun and likely to engage in explosive affairs. Now she’s a poster girl for mental problems whose dreary little subsistence revolves around getting her meds right.

As for born-again Kathy Beale, why did they bother to bring her back from beyond the grave? She was much more interesting when she was dead. Since lurching back to life, the boring blonde’s sole contribution to the narrative has been her unconvincing affair with pop-up fishmonger Buster. She fell for him after he showed her his plaice.

Also returning to the Cockney fray, humdrum Honey hysterically overreacts to minor drug taking and generally makes things difficult for future funeral supremo Billy. Not only is this frightful bimbo a domestic bully, she brings sweet FA to the party.

In other unexciting news… Denise is pregnant by Kush or Phil. Who’s the daddy? Either way, it ain’t great for the unborn child. If it’s Phil, will he be dead by the birth? Only if the baby’s lucky.

And over at Masood’s former hovel cretinous Carmel is struggling to accept that her contraception- averse Muslim son doesn’t want to share a home with her. He’s 31.

Random questions. Why do Soapland’s fully grown adults carry on living with their parents? Why do entire households wake up in the morning and then go to the café for breakfast? No one does that. Ever.

Anyway, back at Chateau Beale, damp Jane revealed that when she’s not peeing her pants she tunes into one of the Beeb’s many daytime property dirges. “Escape To The Country is the highlight of my day,” she declared. Mine too.