Eastenders' frightening fruitcake Steven Beale returns to Albert Square

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Eastenders' frightening fruitcake Steven Beale returns to Albert Square

May 28, 2016 - 10:36
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4 reader reviews
Average: 3.3 (3 votes)
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At the end of an extraordinarily eventful week, Albert Square’s ongoing nightmare got worse when psycho Steven Beale sensationally returned in all his lack of glory.

Bobby Beale confesses

At the end of an extraordinarily eventful week, Albert Square’s ongoing nightmare got worse when psycho Steven Beale sensationally returned in all his lack of glory.

Incredibly, after a prolonged absence, he had the same head. Okay, he’s the fourth version of Ian’s deranged stepson. But at least he seems to have settled down to the face he was sporting when he left eight years ago. Consistency at last.

In other astonishing news, Lauren Branning hasn’t changed either. Nor has Christian Clarke. Three old favourites back on the EastEnders scene… and not a new look between them. Amazing. Is this a first?

If the very variable Peter Beale resurfaces, surely he’ll be a different model. There have been six already. It must be time for mark seven.

Anyway, a lukewarm welcome to uneven Steven. He’s the frightening fruitcake who tried to smother Pat Butcher (RIP) with a pillow and shot Jane through the stomach, leaving her unable to bear children.

When Mr Looney Tunes hightailed it to New Zealand, Ian told him that if he ever disgraced the killing fields of Walford again, he’d murder him. There may be trouble ahead.

Of course, homicide is a popular hobby among the Cockney rabble. Horror kid Bobby Beale offed Lucy and did his level best to do for his step-mum Jane too. By smashing her lights out with a hockey stick.

But deep down batterer Bob’s a nice boy. So much so he made a get well soon card for the loving woman he came so close to exterminating. “I’m really sorry,” he said. That’s all right then.

Not surprisingly, while Jane remains on the critical list in hospital, dysfunctional family man Ian faces difficult questions about his parenting skills. Which, after raising two fully fledged maniacs, appear to be non-existent.

“Don’t you come anywhere near us!” stormed Jane’s furious mother Linda as the world’s worst father hung his head in shame. “It’s not all your fault,” lied Cathy.

Sick of disaster dad Ian’s offspring gravely wounding his sister, Christian sighed: “Steven, now Bobby, there’s a recurring theme here.” He had a point.

Talking of crazy people, moronic mule Roxy Mitchell staggered home with a stomach full of cocaine. Her inspirational attempts to evacuate her bowels delivered high drama of the lowest calibre.

When the barmy blonde finally succeeded in jettisoning her smuggled cargo, she immediately announced that she was turning over a new leaf so she had flushed ten grand’s worth of narcotics straight down the loo. Smart move.

Then it transpired she’d done nothing of the sort. She was pretending she’d done the decent thing in a bid to persuade Jack that she’s fit to look after their daughter Amy.

Naturally, Jack’s having none of it. “You’ll never change,” he snarled. Why not? Everyone else does. If only, physically.

Now super-criminal Roxy is teaming up with convicted sex offender Jay to sell the drugs. The dream team. What could possibly go wrong? Er… everything.

Meanwhile, more uplifting action as Sharon and surly Shirley revisited the scene of Peggy’s ghost-assisted suicide and grieving Phil fell into the depths of despair. Light relief.

As her unhappy husband sobbed unconvincingly (he’s a great drunk but a lousy weeper) Sharon told him: “She’s gone, Phil. She’s gone. And she’s not coming back.”

Don’t count on it. That’s what they said about Dirty Den. And Nick Cotton. And Cathy. And Claudette. In weird and un-wonderful Walford death is just a passing phase.

There are 4 Comments

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Thanks Phil. If you'd have explained why it gave you a headache and why you can't understand how people sit through it, that would constitute a review.

Anna May's picture

Great news! We can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight because Jack’s toilets are back where they belong. Yay!

First things first...Sharon. Well, what can I say. One minute she’s telling Jane she’d have given Grant a right good seeing to if he’d wanted it…the next she’s saying she wants to get back with Phil. Playing hard to get is absolutely NOT her strong point.

Anyway...having just caught up on more than a week’s worth of Eastenders, I can honestly say I have witnessed enough snotty crying to last me a lifetime. If I never experience another glistening orifice again in my entire life, it’ll be too soon…and coming from me that’s saying something! Come on, people, trying to wipe the excess off with your bare hands just spreads it all over your chin. Get some bloody tissues!!

Talking of blood…it didn’t take Bobby long to settle back down into normal family life and, eager to make his step-mum proud, he couldn’t wait to show off his new-found sporting skills by smashing her head in with a hockey stick. Very impressive, but he splattered Stacey’s wedding cake with blood in the process. It took your mum ages to make that, Bobby!

Is Ian really that incapable of siring any child at all who doesn’t want to kill people? Certainly seems like it. So with Jane in the hospital fighting for her life, Bobby’s now decided he wants to confess his overzealous use of Jane’s head as a hockey puck. Not only that, after everyone bent over backwards to cover up his crime of murdering his sister, Lucy, he wants to confess to that too!! Once on a roll, he just couldn’t stop himself. I willed him to suddenly blurt out, “I shot JR as well!”…but he didn’t. Boo. (I’m old, forgive me)

Weirdly, Bobby’s resisted killing anyone at the posh school he’s been attending. Considering his obvious anger management issues, his report card should surely read something like, “Quiet boy, works hard, very polite, keeps murdering everyone. Target for next term: Stop murdering everyone.”

Also, this boy’s just gone all ‘jolly hockey sticks’ on Jane, so Kathy consoles Ian with, “He’s not a bad kid.” What planet is she on! Well done, Ian, for replying, “No, he’s not!” For once he’s right!

Never mind, here’s Lauren and her baby at the door, but not with Peter. No, with Steven! The last thing Ian said to Steven was…if he ever saw him again, he’d kill him. Be careful, Ian. That’s not a great example to set your kids. They could grow up thinking it's okay to kill people. Oh wait…

Amazingly, both Lauren and Steven are still themselves, or something. They did try to get someone else to play Steven, but nobody wanted to, so they bribed the original actor with a free haircut. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find a bowl to cut round, so they used a Frisbee instead.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

By Bobalice24

Walford's unluckiest clan, the Beales; or should that be the Mitchells? The Slaters? Billy & co? So much bad luck and misery inflicted on one postcode! Anyway this week its Ian and his various offspring, specifically 'biffer' Bobby, troubled tween killer.

While the rest of the square were busy swapping houses; Cathy lives at Dot's, Abi lives at Ronnies, Stephen and Lauren are staying where?,  Bobby was preparing to learn his fate after confessing to the murder of his sister Lucy.

'Will I go to prison today Dad?' Please, somebody, take him!
 After being charged with murder and refused bail by Walford's busiest/only copper DI 'hatchet face' Keeble the future's not looking too shiny for young Bobby. At least his parents will be there for him no matter what he's done.

Oh wait Jane, freshly recovered from her coma, just dumped Ian from her hospital bed. Talk about kicking a man when he's down. At least she will have Nurse Gladys Emmanuelle on hand to bathe those bed sores