EastEnders update. Phil’s drinking himself to death, Ben’s got a sexually transmitted disease, Abi’s not pregnant, Lee’s depressed (so are the viewers) and Nancy’s furious. Happy days.
Amid Albert Square’s vale of tears the Beeb’s miserable Cockney rabble spend most of the time theatrically packing their bags and threatening to leave. Here in suicide-inducing Sob City, heading for the hills is as common as the residents.
But a seismic event after kidult Nancy found out her big brother Lee had been telling tales about her epilepsy and – horror of horrors - announced she was moving out of her mummy and daddy’s home. She’s only 25.
In other news, Lee’s girlfriend Whitney was sick of him not taking his meds and in a shock development… she packed her bags. Big surprise. “I’ve been in a bad place,” she sighed. Yeah, it’s called Walford.
Naturally, in the kind of scene that only happens in soaps, Lee went down on one knee in front of all the Queen Vic regulars and proposed. “Yes!” gasped Whitney, who’d much rather bonk his dad. There may be trouble ahead.
Meanwhile, Vincent’s planning to create a granny flat for his mum in the miniscule basement of his tiny terraced house. What’s it modelled on? A phone box?
As we know, the hovels of London E20 are like the Tardis. Small on the outside but with as many rooms as a large hotel on the inside. Remember when there were 11 people living at Carol’s place? They needed tiered seating to watch telly.
Anyway, as all this standard issue downbeat dross continues to bore for Britain, there’s only one storyline I want to see. The return of cross-dressing undertaker Les Coker’s alter ego Christine.
Why did they abandon this hilarious character after just one brief appearance? It’s a mystery. But at least she didn’t have to pack her bags.