By Anna May @AnnaMayMight
At last! Everyone now knows Steven didn’t really have a brain tumour. First the Family Liaison Officer told a handful of people in the Vic, including Ian and Lauren. But that’s not enough…so the rest of Albert Square found out, courtesy of Lauren’s pretty impressive meltdown outside the Vic.
That’s more like it, Eastenders. You avoided everyone traipsing all the way to the church, just to witness a tense atmosphere, followed by Lauren punching the vicar in the side of the head for saying nice things about Steven, then screaming at his coffin and punching a hole in the side of that as well. No...Lauren did us proud, because there’s nothing more soap worthy than an angry woman ripping her fiancé’s funeral flowers off a hearse and destroying them outside the local pub. If you’re that pissed off…why wait!
Of course, Abi hated every second of it, because she really loved Steven. He was her soulmate and she’s carrying his baby. This we know, because we’ve seen the wonky pregnancy test the props department gave her to hold up to the camera a couple of weeks ago. Probably why she’s the only one who could bear to attend Steven’s funeral…and now secretly possesses his ashes, after everyone else refused to take them. Well…Billy knows, because he gave them to her. I can’t imagine he’ll tell anyone…but Jane’s probably not completely unconscious, so a conversation between him and Abi across her lifeless body should do it. Jane has to know…it’s the law.
Everyone also knows Steven died from a liver bleed, so he must’ve fallen hard into something during the fire…or indeed have been pushed into it. Way to go, Max! You totally destroyed both your daughters’ lives in one fell swoop.
Well...to be fair, Steven’s death has done Lauren a favour, but Abi is still carrying his fake pregnancy test child. Or is she? I’m still waiting to find out she mocked the test up herself, or even bought it on eBay, to convince HERSELF she’s pregnant, because she’s not shy of telling lies, is she…and she’s a bit mad as well. Only a few weeks ago, she was dancing round with a life sized cardboard cut-out of Steven. Next thing you know, she’ll be sticking his photo on the side of that urn and snogging it under her bedcovers! Please let it be too large for anything else! Just to add…if she pours his ashes into a bath and gets in, that would be okay. Rather that…ya know?
Okay, so Ian has to come to terms with the fact he’s losing kids left, right and centre. Peter and Cindy are in another country, Lucy and Steven are dead and Bobby the brain-basher is in prison. A good excuse for another cry, I reckon. How many times does Kathy tell Ian that Bobby’s just a little boy? Too many. Be real, Kathy. He is not JUST a little boy. He is a little boy who needs constant supervision to ensure he doesn’t beat anyone to death. Just a murdering little git, is what he is.
Sadly for Ian, his grandchild is about to leave Walford too, because Lauren and Abi are off to their mum’s. Well…that’s convenient. Now, if Abi IS pregnant, she can grow her baby elsewhere and bring it back in six months…when it’s two.
Poor Linda. Can’t bring herself to tell Mick about her own real brush with cancer. But Kathy is there to ask her what’s up. “Too many things,” replies Linda. Yes, Linda, that’s ‘cos you’re in Eastenders. EVERYthing goes wrong ALL the time.
Talking of Kathy…how funny to hear someone ask, “Who lies about dying?” in front of her. Even better is Johnny talking to Ben about how bad it is to lie about cancer. Steven did it to keep Lauren. Then again, Ian once lied to ex, Mel, about Lucy having cancer so she’d marry him. So the Beales definitely have form for lying about cancer, dying and murder in general. I blame the parents.
Hmmm…and Kathy mentions the trauma she went through when James Willmott-Brown raped her. Nice to be reminded of that, just before his storyline is about to explode and everyone finds out Fi is his daughter, Sophie. Explode? Yes, that’s what the internet told me. However, so far, it’s been more of a damp squib, due to the very recent backed-up tragedies the writers have already knocked out one after the other.
Saying that, I’m pleased to see Willmott-Brown back and I’m SO glad he’s still the slimy old toff he was before. Plus, he’s brought friends! Okay yah! So now we have a smarmy bunch of hooray Henries all working together to take over Walford! Except for Max, that is. He’s their bit of rough…their way in.
Seriously, though? If you had pots of money and could take over any town you wanted. Would you really target Walford? I know there’s revenge involved, but…come on. What will become of Arthur’s bench? Can’t wait to see Max paint over it with the words, “Max’s bench…he swindled, shagged and murdered everyone in this place.”
How’s Stacey doing? Not great. Arthur’s at high risk of having a life-threatening heart condition and Carmel has turned into the grandmother from Hell. Brill! Then, after witnessing Stacey dragging Lily to the foot of the stairs and sending her up them, she’s decided Arthur isn’t safe with her. Well…that child was behaving like a jealous little cow…and whatever reasons Carmel has for rubbishing Stacey as a mother in the coming weeks, I’m betting we’ll later find out Lily had something to do with it. Come on, Max, hurry up and dump that bitch!
Now then…Michelle’s admirer, Tom. This guy has a dead wife? Hmmm…best ever excuse for being able to keep your wedding ring on, isn’t it. Jane absolutely HAS to find out about THIS when she wakes up! She’ll need a steady stream of attackers if she wants to make full use of that private hospital room of hers.
You know, the internet also told me Sonia’s going to kiss Gethin and Bex is NOT going to be pleased. Another shocker! Oh please.
Mind you, the internet went on to say the pack of lies Phil told Jay about his dad were to cover up the fact that Willmott-Brown is his real father. Are you having a laugh? I mean...I’m glad he’s back, but, as any Mitchell would rightly put it…do me a favour!!
Ted and Joyce? Yes, they are still there.
Finally, isn’t Woody a nice bloke? He seems too good to be true, doesn’t he. Always so nice to everyone…so thoughtful and kind. Whitney’s so lucky to have him. I wonder how long it will be before the writers turn him into a complete and utter shithead.