By Anna May @AnnaMayMight

It’s nearly Christmas in Eastenders! Blimey, the Halloween decorations only came down a few days ago, didn’t they?

Although, it won’t be a proper Albert Square Christmas unless Phil gets completely wankered and dives head first into a cake. Mind you, at this point in time, I’d be satisfied with him headbutting a turkey’s stuffing hole so he can stagger round to Shirley’s with it still stuck on his head. She’ll be so up for it, she might even stop chewing a wasp for five seconds to accommodate him for three of them. She probably won’t even realize what’s happened…until it dawns on her she’s been picking sage and onion out of her cleavage folds for two days.

Phil can’t do anything too energetic at the moment, though, because he’s still recovering from his liver transplant. A future of putting flat-packed furniture together and changing the batteries in Sharon’s vibrating massage gadget (yeah right) is just about his limit at the moment.

Cue Phil’s old cellmate, Aidan, who turns up out of nowhere. Immediately Sharon’s thinking…oh dear…he’s gonna be a bad influence on my sweet little Phil. Well…yes he is…because he knows Phil wants a bit more excitement in his life…and, by excitement, he means doing bad things that could get you banged up, badly injured, or killed. Isn’t that just the most fun ever!

So, Aiden strolls into Albert Square and immediately starts recruiting randomers he’s never met before to help him with an extremely high risk money-making crime. Yes, just like that, this smooth-talking Irishman convinces Vincent, Keanu and even good old Mick to come in on the job. Phil’s not happy because he’s used to being the main hard man on the Square and here he is, having to rub shoulders with amateurs.

Mick obviously needs the money because, after Willmott-Brown bowls into the pub with his bizarre little brood to announce he now owns the pub, the café and pretty much everything else in Walford, the Carters are out on their ears. Sadly, Carmel thinks Max is going to propose to her that same evening, until she sees him snogging the face off Fi…because, actually, it’s Fi he wants to marry. Oops.

What a shame Fi ends up telling Max she’s not interested anyway. Awkward. Worse than that, Max find out he’s not due any cash from the scam he helped organize. At least his brother, Jack is there to stick up for him. Well…he’s happy to protect Max and put a roof over his head…until he finds out he paid for Matthew’s real dad to take Matthew away for good so Jack could never see him again. Oh dear.

So Max has upset everyone now, by trying to seek revenge on all those who let him go to prison for Lucy’s murder. Even his own daughters can’t bear to look at him. Only Stacey will be bothered with him now, but there’s still the little matter of Stacey’s stolen mobile phone. The Taylor twins have it and have played Jane’s desperate and damning message about Max over and over again. A Christmas day revelation? Can’t wait! Hmmm.

Oh…but now Keanu’s sister, Bernadette, has overheard Aidan’s little gang discussing their naughty plans. Of course she has! Ugh! Oh…and, of course, Max knows there’s something going on as well! Who’s gonna die? Someone has to! That hospital side-room is going to waste.

Number two son, Josh, seems desperate to find a way to expose the underhanded way his dad has handled the Walford takeover plan. He tries to download company files that prove he’s been bribing council workers for information, but fails. Nooo! Um…anyway…will Fi help him? After being pushed over outside the café by Willmott-Brown and taken in by Kathy, she’s beginning to doubt her father’s account of what really happened the night of the rape.

By the way…how stupid is Ian’s face after he manages to get Willmott-Brown to admit he raped his mum. Talk about make it obvious that’s all you were there for. Geez, these people.

Hang on, though, where’s Luke? After he beats Ben up and puts him in hospital, Aidan gets a few lads to bundle him into the back of a van. He’s still missing. Where is he? The suspense is killing me!

Poor Mick and Linda nearly split up AGAIN! What a good job Sharon’s always there to give advice to these poor wounded women. Where would Linda be without being told things like, “You and Mick have had it too good for too long.” Also…get this…“So what if your husband fancies someone else?” Yeah, Linda, just be grateful you’ve already had it too good…and stop getting all upset when things really DO start to go wrong. Ungrateful cah!

THIS! Yes, this, from a woman who’s been so messed up by Mitchells over the years she doesn’t even know what a lie is anymore! When Linda asks Sharon why she doesn’t mind if Phil lies to her, she replies with, “Well, it ain’t lyin’ if you both know the truth.” WHAT!? So…if my fella tells me he’s not sleeping with some slapper from the pub, but I know he is…that’s not a lie? See, Sharon, this is why you can’t have nice things, because you chat shit like this to people!

I’ll be honest, I’ve been ill for weeks with a double bout of flu. So I thought…now I’m on the mend…what better way to relax than to binge three weeks of Eastenders…back-to-back. Bloody BACK-TO-BACK!

Still not entirely convinced everything I just watched isn’t a direct result of the high-strength codeine I’ve been prescribed. It certainly seems to have blocked out Ted and Joyce…and…Phil’s looking rather fit lately…but…it’s still a lie…right?