EastEnders: Jack’s kids, crossdressing Coker and tragic rabbit Hercules…

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EastEnders: Jack’s kids, crossdressing Coker and tragic rabbit Hercules…

July 01, 2016 - 16:41
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Unless otherwise informed, assume that Jack Branning is the father. Jack-the-lad’s one night stand with Roxy produced Amy. And now Sam Mitchell’s back in town with another of his unplanned offspring, little Richard.

EastEnders: Jack and Roxy

Unless otherwise informed, assume that Jack Branning is the father. Jack-the-lad’s one night stand with Roxy produced Amy. And now Sam Mitchell’s back in town with another of his unplanned offspring, little Richard.

You name the kid, Jack usually turns out to be the dad. Before the birth of his accidental daughter, his brief fling with Sam resulted in his accidental son. Has this guy ever heard of contraception?

Anyway, as Sam (played by Danniella Westbrook) returned to Albert Square after five years it spelled trouble for Jack. Turbulent times lie ahead.

Elsewhere on the wild and crazy EastEnders scene, transvestite undertaker Les Coker suffered a heart attack while dressed as his female alter-ego Christine.

When Billy Mitchell spotted his boss all dolled up in his ladies’ finery in the back of an ambulance, he started using the term “perv”. How thoroughly modern.

Really, is it the worst thing in the world for a bloke to enjoy wearing women’s clothes? Would Les and Pam (aka Birdy) keep coughing up thousands of pounds to the inappropriately named Babe just to keep Christine’s secret? Simply own up and the nightmare ends.

Apart from looking exactly like Ruth Langsford when he’s in girly mode, desperado Les’s other problem is finding the money to buy Babe’s silence. Now he’s been caught overcharging the Mitchells for Peggy’s long-awaited funeral. Ludicrous.

Despite its funniness, this nonsense seems like an outmoded storyline from a bygone age. That’s what’s so irritating about it. It doesn’t pass the logic test. In real life, seen-it-all Londoners wouldn’t miss a beat about a guy in a skirt. But through the loony looking glass of Walford’s wonderland it’s supposed to be the most shocking thing imaginable.

Meanwhile, understandably fed up with surly Shirley, Buster Gonad is trying to cop off with Kathy Beale. Who definitely ought to say yes. Since coming back from beyond the grave she’s turned into a pointless character in dire need of something to do.

But now, a moment of silent reflection as we remember the life and times of local rabbit Hercules. Amy’s much loved pet chomped down a load of Roxy’s cocaine and died from an overdose. RIP. We shall not see his like again.

Old Rox doesn’t get this drugs dealing thing. She acquires ten grand’s worth of marching powder and then leaves it in a bag for a big-eared animal to consume. Roxy… the idea is you sell the stuff for a profit.

Instead, all the mad Mitchell sister ever does is threaten to flush her ageing stash down the loo. The scripts deserve the same fate...

There are 5 Comments

Anna May's picture

Yet another past character turning up to be shoehorned back into the Square. There's a definite glut of babies at the moment...all interchangeable and destined to be repeatedly swapped for the most dissimilar replacements they can find as they grow up.

Agreed...the Coker's plight with Babe isn't one that sits right with a lot of people. Disagree with the name 'Babe' not being entirely appropriate, though. You know what I'm saying. Pam's only worry is Les will look better in her frocks than she does. Although, I think Christine has a better eye for accessorizing. At least she makes an effort.

I think Roxy deserves more than storylines that just go round in circles. Good girl gone bad, says she's changed, does a bad thing, regrets it, does it again, keeps doing it, cries a bit...and repeat. Predictable and annoying. A good actress wasted.

Poor old Shirley. Always manages to find love somewhere or another, then blows it by being a cantankerous old bat at every opportunity. Meanwhile, Buster can’t work out why Kathy doesn’t want his fishy fingers all over her again. Maybe it’s because he immediately dumped her last time...but not before a quick squeeze of her fillets and a rummage in her scampi fries.

I should leave this here…

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Good point on the inappropriate name front, Anna. I'd forgotten about the film. In general, EastEnders at the moment feels like a soap in mourning for its beloved, extremely long running Lucy/Bobby blockbuster. Suddenly, the Albert Square saga is bereft of a big central storyline to revolve around. With lots of silly little plots like crossdresser Les's blackmail nightmare and Hercules the tragic coke snorting rabbit, the whole show feels rudderless. And please... no more Phil n Sharon marriage problems. We are all way past caring. The writers need to come up with something new, something major and - big ask - something interesting. Ever the optimists, we live in hope.

Anna May's picture

I do like Danniella Westbrook as Sam, though. Her replacement years ago just didn't cut it as Peggy's feisty cah of a daughter...but, again, another baby.

Eastenders is basically human farming. None of the characters, past or present, seem able to conceive a child outside of Walford. The women are shipped in briefly to be inseminated and the men pop back from to to time to sow their seeds...which always germinate! Nobody uses contraceptives. You never hear anyone saying, "Oh, did you bring any condoms?" or "Are you on the pill?" anymore. Even the adults don't ask...they just get pissed and go for it. It's so inbred, it's unbelievable.

Get on a bus, borrow a bicycle. It's London...you could even walk to the next town. There are other human beings with genitals in the world. For God's sake, at least find a shop that sells washing machines!

Qantas330's picture

Saved by Steve Mcfadden - i found this episode rather predictable.

Funny seeing Grant slotted in when it was obvious he was not there T the same time.

I think Barbara Windsor deserved better.

Anna May's picture

So…Peggy’s gone completely now, I think….and what a lovely event it was, with those beautiful black horses trotting her to the funeral and a milk float appropriately stopping outside the Vic a few seconds before. I actually half-expected her coffin to be on the back of it, given the relevance, but no.

I did wonder if the whole episode would be dominated by the funeral, but we were also blessed with Kathy and Buster sniffing round each other, Pam and Les crying at each other, Sam and Sharon sniping at each other and Jack’s 147th child, Rickayyy II, being an annoying brat.

I reckon Peggy would have been proud of her kids as she was laid to rest. One went home after telling everyone she was a crap mum and the other two just skulked about in the bushes. So touching.

Unbelievably, we already have Ronnie completely ignoring the fact Andy pulled her phone line from its socket in a menacing way and possesses a printout of a news article about her dead daughter, Danielle. He really wasn’t very nice to her at all, but that’s okay. Even if he did scare the shit out of her and she wanted him to leave, she’s forgiven him now and he’s staying…in her house...with her family…because intimidating, creepy people always deserve a second chance, right? Ridiculous.

Although, unlike Peggy’s own offspring, at least Ronnie was actually at her graveside, along with Roxy. Poor Roxy, though. She spent a whole five minutes trying to leave Walford, but then stayed. All that effort packing her bright pink bags for nothing. I thought I was watching Apprentice for a second there.

Fortunately, Sharon stepped in and ordered everyone about until it was sorted. Sharon speaks and people listen. Except for Kathy, who just talks over her all the time, because she can’t shut up, basically. In any case, I think all the brick-like hints about Sharon becoming the new Queen of Walford and general go-to person for a bit of advice, a telling off, or a helpful knowing look, can stop now. Stop them…now…thanks.

What with all the flirting going on in the Square, I really can’t keep up. I know Shirley still has a soft spot for the gorgeous Phil, but these women lusting after her Captain Birdseye really should beware. Surely, nobody with a permanently angry face like that could ever forgive another woman for slipping her fella a nice bit of tongue. Yes, I know he’s not a butcher…I just drew a blank on fish puns.

Talking of drawing blanks, poor Donna had no luck conceiving Vincent’s baby this month. Such a nice thing for her foster brother to do for her, but I’m with Kim on this one. Also, Donna’s probably one of my favourite characters at the moment, so I’ll be disappointed if she loses all her wit and attitude to a long drawn-out storyline of stress and sadness. Eastenders wouldn’t do anything that depressing, though. Oh wait…

Meanwhile, Sonia doesn’t want to be with Tina anymore. So, in true Jackson style, rather than just ending the relationship and asking her to move out, she pours more misery on to herself by letting Tina move her mentally unstable mother in as well. Of course! It doesn’t help that she snogged Martin the other day either. As usual, one big mess on top of another.

Hang on…what’s this? Kathy lets Buster in and, with a big smile on her face, tells him they’re on and kisses him? Why does everyone fancy Buster now! Especially when Phil’s still alive…just. What is going ON! Shirley’s got Buster, Carmel wants him and Kathy’s having him…as we speak. But then, Sharon’s got Phil, Kathy’s had him, Denise has been there, but Shirley wants him…again. Then there’s Grant, but what about Max? Oh, I give up.

Good news, though. A Hollywood star wants to join in the fun too! So come on, Charlie Sheen. Put an end to all this bald-bothering madness. Let’s ‘ave some ‘air on the Square!