By Anna May @AnnaMayMight

Well, what can I say? Billy slept with Tina after Honey told him to get lost at the hospital. Billy is a dick. Let’s get that out of the way, shall we. Now, I know it’s hard for the soaps to find ways to bring plots together, but Billy suddenly slagging Honey off, then being unfaithful? How bizarre.

Tina? Yes, she feels so guilty about mowing Honey’s poor little girl down in the street, she decides sleeping with her man is a really good way to make it up to her. Give me strength.

So, stupid Tina ends up telling stupid Billy she was the one who ran little Janet over and agrees to go to the Police with him the next day. He doesn’t want her to tell anyone at all about their one-night stand, but stupid Tina immediately tells control-freak Shirley about it. Not only that, she tells her she’s going to the Police as well!

Obviously, Shirley’s not having any of it and stops them from going into the Police station. Of course she does. She also tells them she’ll spill the beans on their little mini-fling if they tell the Police. Of course she does!

Cue everyone in the Square talking about the heartless hit and run driver who hit Janet, but only when Tina walks by. ONLY when she walks by, mind.

So, what does stupid Tina do then? That’s right, she decides to spend as much time as she can with Honey and Janet…and even asks to help bake a cake for Janet’s home-coming from the hospital. Billy’s not happy about that. Neither is Shirley. As it is, Shirley later finds Tina sitting upstairs in The Vic like a little child, making a big card for Janet. She has all the pens out and there’s glitter too!

Tina is being portrayed as a right idiot at the moment…even more than usual…and, to make matters worse, Shirley borrows £500 from Linda to pay for Tina to go to Spain for two weeks! That’s not all, though. No…Shirley catches hold of Tina in the middle of the Square, hands her a pre-packed suitcase, hails a taxi to take her to the airport and makes her get in it! How about a few minutes to get herself ready, pack a few extra bits, say goodbye to people, or simply have a piss if she needs one! Seriously?

Billy’s still on the Square, though, and he’s rushing round trying to borrow a dog to take up to Janet while she’s still at the hospital. What the Hell! Janet’s about to come home. He can’t wait? What a waste of time the whole scenario is. Billy running round, having a go at everyone because they won’t help him find a dog? What is happening to these characters! It’s insulting.

Meanwhile, Abi is bursting at the seams with baby news for Ian. She can’t wait to tell him she’s carrying his latest grandchild. She’s sure he’ll be SO happy about it. What is she on, eh? Yes, Ian, you’re having another grandchild…and it’s Steven’s, which means Steven didn’t just lie about having a brain tumour and try to kill Jane. No…he was also unfaithful to his fiancé with her nutty little slapper of a sister! Excellent news!

Poor Kathy. Willmott-Brown sits in her café, lecturing her about how she should try to forget he raped her and just move on…because he’s dying, so let’s just forget all about it. Oh, but what a lecture it is. I have to tell you, I was looking at my watch after the first few hours of his slow and deliberate speech…and, by the end, I’d pretty much forgotten what was going on and all I could think about was Mary, Mungo and Midge…and how the theme tune to that would complement his voice perfectly.

After the visit, Kathy can’t bear to leave the house. Ian eventually finds out what’s wrong and sends Phil…yes Phil…to visit Willmott-Brown and knock the plum out of his mouth. Oh dear…another speeeeeeeech. Then nothing. Phil threatens him and leaves, but before he does, he spots a picture of Luke with Willmott-Brown. Now he knows his son, Ben, is banging Willmott-Brown’s son. Brill!

Didn’t we know Carmel would get into trouble over the sealed bids saga? Yes…yes, we did. She’s in danger of being sacked and Max assures her he didn’t use the information from her laptop. Weirdly, she asks her boss what will happen to the person who leaked the information. Why? Why would anyone who was innocent ask what will happen to the actual culprits, unless they are worried it might happen to them? Also, how can she sit there and tell Max her job at the council is the only job she’s ever cared about? Well, if you cared about it that much, Carmel, you’d have been a bit more careful with the private data on your laptop…hmmm?

Oh…here’s Fi, back to worm her way into Max’s affections again...and back into The Vic. She’s knocked ten grand off the total Mick and Linda need to find in order to stay in the pub. So that’s only fifty grand left to find, then. No problem.

Tom! Yes, Michelle invited him round to Sharon and Phil’s because she wanted to confront him and take control of the situation. Sharon’s not too pleased, so she gets Denise and Karen round to help her talk Michelle out of it.

Too late, because the evening is already in full swing and Tom’s about to force himself on Michelle and, possibly, try to have his wicked way with her. Conveniently, Sharon and co walk in at that exact moment and Sharon knocks Tom out cold. When he comes round, Michelle tells him she’s done some digging…and it turns out he doesn’t work where he says he does and his wife isn’t dead, but divorced…and he has a son as well!

The four women proceed to belittle Tom, in an effort to dissuade him from continuing to stalk Michelle and make her life a misery. What a sinister scene they set. Not quite the Witches of Eastwick, but it'll do.

Michelle also has a video of their dinner date and threatens to show it to Tom's bosses if he comes near her again. He agrees not to, but…oh…I don’t know. I mean, what fun would that be.

Anyway, Christmas is coming. We need everything we can lay our hands on! We need Tina pregnant by Billy, Abi giving birth to a giant cushion because she faked her pregnancy, Shirley prostituting herself right at the last minute to make up a three and a half quid shortfall for Mick and Linda’s debt…and Tom kidnapping Michelle so he can tie her up on his ex-wife’s side of the bed and give her even more presents she doesn’t want…or something.

Although, someone does need to be murdered…and soon…but the internet will tell us WAY before it actually happens. So, you know, try to look shocked when it does...hmmm?