EastEnders. Wake up… you’re in Sleepy Hollow

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EastEnders. Wake up… you’re in Sleepy Hollow

October 26, 2016 - 16:34
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After hurling a bucket of contempt all over ITV’s ludicrously melodramatic soap duds Emmerdale and Corrie I thought it was only fair to check out the BBC’s intelligence-insulting tosh EastEnders.

Weird gun-toting prat Steven and renowned lunatic Lauren

After hurling a bucket of contempt all over ITV’s ludicrously melodramatic soap duds Emmerdale and Corrie I thought it was only fair to check out the BBC’s intelligence-insulting tosh EastEnders.

So what’s going on down Walford way? As Albert Square’s cretinous Cockneys would say… nuffink. Sweet FA. Nada. Sod all.  Why don’t they all climb into their cars and crash into each other? Okay, it’s been done before but at least a comedy pile-up might alleviate the empty tedium.

While the assorted farmers and losers in the village of the damned were mourning their dead and the ridiculous residents of Weatherfield were coming to terms with deranged David Platt’s latest psychotic episode, the EastEnders crew were drowning in a sea of non-events.

That Bex girl that no one cares about won’t put out to that kid with the hair bun that no one cares about. And – drum roll – she doesn’t want a 16th birthday party. Instead, she’s going out for a Chinese meal with her dim dad Martin and ex interesting character turned total dullard Stacey. And we should give a damn why?

This just in! Moronic Martin has bought Bex a silver teddy bear on a chain because he can’t face the fact that his little girl is growing up. Shame he wasn’t there for most of her childhood. Deadbeat dad.

Naturally, when Hair Bun Boy calls her frigid, Bex bursts into tears. On TV’s top gloom-fest the crying game is a way of life. Just the three sobbing fits in 30 miserable minutes. First virtuous virgin Bex, then that weird gun-toting prat Steven and finally renowned lunatic Lauren. Guess that’s one way to fill the vacuum… with a tsunami of weeping.

In other exciting news… Patrick took Dot Branning to see Brief Encounter but she didn’t see it because her eyes are going. Now she’s off to the opticians. Wow. Can’t wait to find out how this cliff hanger reaches its nail-biting conclusion. Does the old girl need glasses? Watch this space.

Meanwhile, after returning from beyond the grave for no apparent reason, pointless character Kathy Beale is worried that Ben - the son she heartlessly abandoned for a decade – may not survive the operation to donate part of his liver to his raging alcoholic father Phil Mitchell.

Two thoughts, Kathy. One, if Phil and Ben die what has the community lost? A criminal thug and a killer. No big deal, there are plenty more of them in the local area (Claudette, Ronnie, Vincent etc.) And two, if you really want to stop Ben’s selfless gesture why not do a Gail Platt and lock him in the beer cellar? What could possibly go wrong?

Somewhere between Emmerdale’s garish absurdity, Corrie’s outlandish nonsense and the boring wilderness of EastEnders there’s a happy medium that might hit the spot. You know, a cogent and plausible narrative that the long-suffering viewers could believe in.