By Anna May @AnnaMayMight
Congratulations are in order for Bex. She’s seventeen years old! Obviously, that means she can learn to drive immediately. So, within minutes, good old Uncle Robbie decides he’s the man for the job. The only thing is, Bex cannot actually drive at all and scares the shit out of him. No matter…because anyone can teach anyone to drive in Eastenders. Oh look, it’s Gethin! Robbie jumps out of the car and tells Gethin to carry on Bex’s driving lesson. He doesn’t want to, but he gets in anyway. Of course he does! It’s EastEnders! Get in the car!
Well…this is very awkward, isn’t it. Even more awkward when Gethin puts his hand over Bex’s to help her manoeuvre the gear stick. Disgusting! Oh dear…now Bex can’t help reminding him of the kiss they shared. If only he hadn’t got in that car, eh? If only hadn’t been walking past at that exact moment! Now Gethin has to fend her off again…and here’s me thinking all that stuff was in the past. Hehehe…don’t be silly…nothing gets forgotten in Albert Square.
Poor old Sonia…soon to find out the new man of her dreams has snogged her daughter. It doesn’t matter that Shakil is bending over backwards to make Bex feel special, she’s not interested. Thankfully, Michelle and Kathy are on hand to give Shakil some advice and he ends up telling Bex he’s had enough of their hot and cold relationship. Come on, Bex, hurry up and tell someone your teacher took advantage of you. We’re waiting!
Poor Donna as well. She has to hide her disappointment after Robbie tells her he’s rearranging a date with some girl he thought had blown him out. To make matters even worse, he calls the evening he and Donna spent together a ‘practice date’! He never changes, does he. The bickering pair still spend Halloween together in The Vic…with everyone else in Walford…because there’s nowhere else to go.
Meanwhile, Fi is getting just a little jealous about Max and Carmel. Their relationship was only supposed to help Max get information on sealed bids from the council…and, although Fi only became involved with Max to keep him sweet for her dad, Willmott-Brown, she obviously feels a lot more for him than she should.
Max has already refused to carry on using Carmel and tells Fi he’s waiting for the right moment to end the fake relationship, but impatient Fi can’t wait and, to further convince Max they’re rock solid, she goes to see him at Carmel’s when the house is empty and they do naughty things together…in Carmel’s house! Utter filth!
When Max sees her hand Willmott-Brown a USB stick containing the required information, he assumes their secret sexy time was Fi’s way of getting to Carmel’s work laptop. Fi’s gutted, because she can’t convince Max she got the information by other means. He’s not having any of it…because…why the Hell, then, did he have to spend months and months wooing Carmel and even sleeping with her, if Fi has just been able to get the information elsewhere in ONE BLOODY DAY!
Already having spent months paving the way for Uncle Hugo to go in and demand a ridiculous amount of cash to avoid the Carters being evicted from The Vic, Fi’s now playing ‘good cop’ to Uncle Hugo’s ‘absolute bastard cop’. Hugo also implies to Linda and Mick that Fi’s been disclosing information about their personal lives. So, first Max abandons her and now she’s very quickly losing the trust of everyone else too.
Poor Mick and Linda. Where will they find sixty grand before the deadline, eh? You know…they’re in real danger of having to run The Vic like they’re already supposed to be running it. How else will they make up the extra money? Poor things! Look at them now…running round, serving drinks, organizing a Halloween party and generally…well…running a pub.
However…Whitney manages to obtain a smoke machine on the cheap. That’ll save them at least five grand. Oh…and Mick can’t go to the cash and carry, because he’s too busy raking in a few extra thousand, by serving customers himself, so he sends Tina instead. That’s another ten grand added to their total, at least….and I mean…what’s the worst that could happen, hmmm?
Come on now…why doesn’t The Vic have enough alcohol all of a sudden? Seriously? They leave it until the actual night of a pre-arranged party to sort that out? For a pub that’s apparently doing so badly, you’d think ensuring there’s enough alcohol on the premises at all times would be…oh I dunno…THE MAIN FOCUS OF THEIR BUSINESS!
Meanwhile, Luke’s already persuaded Jay to sell him The Car Lot and is now encouraging Ben to imagine bigger things for The Arches. He’s still sniffing round Ben, but does he really like him, or will he do the dirty on him in the end? Nail-biting stuff!
Jay’s been splashing the cash Luke gave him as a sweetener, but then he finds out Billy’s messed up the funeral parlour’s accounts and decides to hand the rest over to help. All fixed now!
The Taylors have similarly good luck, when two chunky men come round to relieve them of some belongings to make up for money bra-strap Karen owes. Keanu bungs them a couple of quid and they just leave. They just leave! Fair enough.
Stalker Tom’s at it again. Michelle spots him outside the house. It’s all good, though, because Phil goes out and tells him to get lost, then walks Michelle to the tube station a few feet away. That’ll keep her safe, Phil, because Tom can’t get on tube trains, can he. Actually, he can…and does. So, there’s Michelle having to keep him sweet by pretending she still likes him and offering to have him over for dinner next week. She even gives him a quick kiss goodbye to keep him happy…and it works…for now…or does it? Ooh!
Oh, yes, Lauren and Abi. Well, Abi’s been caught on camera, stealing medication from the vet, where she works. Correction…workED…because her boss has now told her she’s sacked. Obviously, Mick and Linda also have to tell Abi she can’t work for them for a few hours a week anymore, because they need the extra twenty grand it will save them.
At last, Abi has told Lauren she’s pregnant with Steven’s baby…and, after having to watch these two find each other, argue, make up, argue, storm off, find each other, argue, make up, argue, storm off...repeat five times…I think it’s all fine now. Phew!
Could this week have possibly been any more exciting? No, I didn’t think so, either…until Phil’s latest stepson, Dennis, excels himself in the bad influence stakes by encouraging Janet, Riley and Amy to take a cute game of hide and seek out into the street. Riley and Amy are found, but, after Tina is mugged outside the cash and carry, just managing to escape with her life, she drives into Janet, who then ends up in hospital.
The doctors aren’t sure if Janet will be able to walk again, as she can’t feel her legs, so Honey and Billy are all over the place with worry. However, Billy goes a bit far and accuses Honey of not loving Janet enough and doting on William more. Not nice, I grant you, but then Honey tells Billy she doesn’t want him near her and to leave the hospital. What!!?? So, he has to leave his own daughter’s bedside because they’ve had an argument? Ridiculous. He’s her dad, for crying out loud!
Tina’s desperate to confess, because she actually thought she’d hit a cat and just drove off…so Shirley does her very best to help the situation…and immediately puts the car through a carwash to remove evidence. Whoah! Um…well…Tina is still desperate to confess, so I think we’re in for a good few months of hard stares from Shirley each time Tina nearly tells someone. I wonder if she’ll ever get found out. More to the point, has anyone told Jane yet?
Finally…Kathy and that plate. “Hello, Kathy,” says Willmott-Brown...while we all just watch the plate, gradually, gradually, gradually…OH JUST DROP THE PLATE ALREADY!
Ted and Joyce? No idea…but, unless Ted says, “Darrowby 385,” the next time he answers the phone, I’m not sure I can be bothered. What a waste of a brilliant actor.