Emmerdale: More turmoil in the village of the damned

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Emmerdale: More turmoil in the village of the damned

June 25, 2016 - 20:19
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Average: 4.2 (13 votes)
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Over to the country idyll where the philandering GP was viciously beaten up after his marriage collapsed because he was having an affair with a teenager. Van girl Victoria was attacked by a drugs dealer. And the rural rabble were all set for yet another inferno. Just a routine week in the village of the damned.

Another explosive week in Emmerdale

Over to the country idyll where the philandering GP was viciously beaten up after his marriage collapsed because he was having an affair with a teenager. Van girl Victoria was attacked by a drugs dealer. And the rural rabble were all set for yet another inferno. Just a routine week in the village of the damned.

Not only is Emmerdale a terrifyingly dangerous place to live, it’s also the most combustible hellhole on Earth. It’s always on fire.

Barely an hour goes by without some cottage or a farm bursting into flames. Death often rains from the sky. Like the plummeting Lockerbie style jet which burned the long suffering locals and their sheep. Or the helicopter that crashed through the church hall roof and spoiled Debbie’s wedding almost as much as the fact she was shagging her brother-in-law.

You’d be safer in Fallujah. The murder rate’s far lower in South Central Los Angeles. Beware, these are the Yorkshire Dales’ killing fields. Gun control? Never heard of it. Proceed with extreme caution.

Amid this dystopian nightmare, poor Belle Dingle was raised by her dysfunctional parents in a horrible hovel that looks like a tractor factory storeroom. And as she continues her difficult journey into adulthood it’s fair to say things aren’t going especially well.

Just when she was getting over offing her late friend Gemma (no big deal in these parts), the 17 year-old ingénue embarked on a passionate romance with two-timing dirty doctor Jermaine Bailey.

After the covert couple’s secret sex trysts were revealed, Bailey’s furious wife dumped him, his boss sacked him and Belle’s violent brother Cain battered him to a pulp. Now he faces being struck off the medical register. Happy days.

Still clinging to her impossible dream that Jermaine loves her (he SO doesn’t), smitten Belle shopped Cain to the cops. Who arrived just as junky Holly was stashing the ecstasy pills she was planning to flog along with the noodles that entrepreneurial genius Victoria sells from a van parked in a deserted lane in the middle of nowhere.

In real life go-getter Vic’s business would stand about as much chance of succeeding as a bikini store in the Arctic. But in Emmerdale’s fantasy the money was rolling in. Until evil pusher Simon left her in a pool of blood and ran off with the, takings. Sin City has got nothing on this rustic moral wasteland.

Talking of crap businesses, why were the Barton brothers grim so surprised that no one phoned their ludicrous new cab firm?

Was it because people didn’t want to be ferried around in taxis with Ross, Finn and Pete's gormless faces painted on the side? Or was it due to the extremely sparse population in the three unwise men’s empty catchment area?

But great to see the excitable siblings getting on famously so soon after Pete tried to murder career criminal Ross for sleeping with his new bride. Why hold a grudge? Such a minor trifle.

Obviously, even by Soapland’s low standards, ITV’s everyday story of agricultural maniacs is far-fetched to the point of utter absurdity. But with stronger storylines and more plausible characters, this saga of constant catastrophe thoroughly deserved its recent British Soap Awards triumph over underperforming rivals Coronation Street and EastEnders.

And guess what? There’s an inferno in the pipeline. Yay. Dismayed that Mill Cottage is worthless thanks to rampant dry rot, useless Rakesh blows the joint to smithereens.

Expect screaming victims to be trapped in the blaze and no one dialling 999 for at least thirty minutes. And when they eventually make the call, it will take three to four hours for the fire brigade to arrive on the scene.

In improbable, inflammable Emmerdale that’s the way it is. Neither peaceful nor quiet... but invariably alight. Welcome to the disaster zone. It’s not for the faint hearted. You have been warned…

There are 2 Comments

Caroline Dowse's picture

By Caroline Dowse

I love Emmerdale. It's better than Corrie and Eastenders, even if it is completely implausible. Take last night for example.

Lachlan had shot his grandad Lawrence, who was in intensive care, but his mum Chrissie decided to protect her creepy son by framing her boyfriend Andy, who she discovered had cheated on her with Lawrence's wife Bernice (who also happens to be Andy's stepsister, but that's a minor detail in Emmerdale) thanks to a blurry photo of them in a window at the B&B. She retrieved the gun from Home Farm, dodging the rubbish soap police in the process, put it in the boot of Andy's car and called said rubbish soap police to report him driving erratically so they'd pull him over and discover the gun, which they did. Give that woman some shoulder-pads and she'd fit right in in Dynasty.

There are a few good storylines right now: Ashley's dementia, Belle's affair with Bailey and her struggle with mental illness and Marlon and Carly's budding relationship, but there are some they need to end like Rakesh's financial problems (don't care) and Rhona and Pierce's relationship (bring back Paddy!).

There are a lot of characters I'd get rid of though, starting with the entire White family. Andy, Bernice, Rakesh, Priya, Rodney and Brenda are all past their sell by date too. Oh, and bratty teenager Gabby, while we're at it.

All that aside though, Emmerdale is still the best of the Big Three soaps. Long may it continue.

Shiv's picture

During the summer I don't bother with the soaps much, but I do like to catch up with Emmerdale. Mostly the storylines are good and not too drawn out. I do think more characters are needed though, how many times can they make Aaron cry? Chas will have a real mental breakdown with all the stuff they're putting her through. It's great they cover many serious story lines and I guess with all the tragedies there would be lots of mental health issues!! Why do they have to kill people? Can't they just move? and in such a small community they have more than their fair share of gay characters. As for a tai firm, hardly needed as the local bus always turns up on time, except when it crashes of course ;)