Geordie Shore: Charlotte's back in the room

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Geordie Shore: Charlotte's back in the room

March 23, 2016 - 20:24
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Clash of the titans as duelling bozos Scotty T and Aaron fought an epic battle to win the heart of demure former stripper Chantelle.

Charlotte Crosby returns to the Geordie Shore house

Clash of the titans as duelling bozos Scotty T and Aaron fought an epic battle to win the heart of demure former stripper Chantelle.

Rarely in the turbulent history of Geordie Shore have emotions run so high. After drastically different dates with the Toon’s top two Romeos it was decision time for the new girl. Who would she choose? One or the other? Or both?

Quite the Casanova, Aaron revealed his romantic side by whisking Chantelle straight to the parlour to get his name tattooed on her wrist. She’d known him for a whole day.

Back at MTV’s house of horror, a deflated Scotty announced “a tattoo’s for life” and lost interest. Until guru of lust Gaz advised him: “When you’re in a battle for a bird you do not back down until you’ve banged her.” Wise words.

Proving that poetry really is the language of love, the reigning Celebrity Big Brother champion boomed: “Aaron’s got nay chance because everyone knows the new lodger is always after Scotty T’s todger.” Almost musical.

By now shattered Chantelle had learned to her dismay that she wasn’t the first of helium-voiced Aaron’s tattoo date victims and she’d gone right off him. To emphasise how special he wasn’t, she snarled: “I’ve got boys names dotted all over me body.” Classy.

Enter Scotty with an all-out charm offensive. After plying her with champagne on a bleak looking beach under dishcloth grey skies, he announced: “It’s obviously working cos she’s all over me like a squirrel on a box of pistachios.” Translation: Aaron had lost the war.

Sophisticated in defeat, he squared up to his triumphant rival and then smashed up his bedroom. It was all kicking off. Again.

When Nathan took raging Aaron outside to calm down, stylish Chloe swiftly joined them. But not before squatting to take a pee in the street. “First things first,” she declared. Those finishing school fees? She should ask for a refund.

Of course, Chloe has the hots for Scotty and it wasn’t long before she became crazed with jealousy and – in a totally unexpected development - smashed up her bedroom. Do you see a pattern of behaviour emerging here?

Later, as Chloe and Chantelle screamed at each other, their indecipherable deep space Tyneside dialect was like something from another planet. Impossible to understand. We Earthlings needed subtitles.

While Scotty and Chantelle prepared to retire to the shag-pad for a spot of that pneumatic drill speed sex the Geordie Shore gang specialise in, we discovered where they get their inspiration from.

All hail Her Travesty! Charlotte the harlot was back in the room and her passionate pet rabbits were at it like – er – rabbits. Pumping away so fast it was a blur. Ms Crosby’s on-the-spot commentary was life affirming.

Staging her sensational series debut, the talented star who found fame and fortune thanks to her entertainingly weak bladder shrieked: “I’ve got a bit of a bombshell to drop. I’ve finished with Mitch.” Some bombshell. Finishing with Mitch is her hobby.

Everything on this very funny programme happens over and over again. It’s a vacuous circle. Charlotte and Gaz will vow not to get together but will. Our hilarious heroes will go out, get mortal (drunk), simulate sex with the nightclub furniture and then return home to bonk, fight and cause lots of damage. Repeat ad infinitim.

OK, it’s not Shakespeare. But could The Bard match Scotty T’s prose as he worked his seductive magic on Chantelle: “F*** the rabbits. I’ve got a carrot you can chew on. What’s up Doc?” Perfect.

You can also read my review of Geordie Shore on the Sun Online: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/7021550/Geordie-Shore-newcomer-Chantelle-Connelly-confirms-the-new-lodger-is-always-after-Scotty-Ts-todger.html