The Great British Sewing Bee: Making it to the sewing room has never been harder

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The Great British Sewing Bee: Making it to the sewing room has never been harder

May 19, 2016 - 17:59
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Ten more home sewers have come together in a massive sewing room (cough) to bring forth their imagination with the help of a sewing machine and shelves full of all the fabric, cotton, elastic and ricrac they could possibly need.

The Great British Sewing Bee

By Anna May

Here we are again! Ten more home sewers have come together in a massive sewing room (cough) to bring forth their imagination with the help of a sewing machine and shelves full of all the fabric, cotton, elastic and ricrac they could possibly need. Make no mistake, as far as publicly accessible sewing porn goes, this is right up there with the best…and I’ve seen some bloody good sewing porn in my time. If anyone has seen better, let me know…in private…and I want pictures.

Claudia Winkleman can’t wait to show us how elated she is and how even the legless, armless, headless mannequins the contestants will be working with are “excited” too! To be honest, I think it’s Claudia’s imagination we need to be worrying about at this point…as lovely as she is. Her exclamation that, “Making it to the sewing room has never been harder!” is somewhat undermined by an immediate downward shot of the contestants simply walking up the stairs to get to it. Seriously, though, Claudia makes a good host. Not being an accomplished sewer herself, she asks simple questions that viewers at home might ask. That works.

Judges, Patrick Grant and Esme Young, are on hand to give their expert opinions on each stressfully rushed creation. However, so far, Patrick seems pretty much in the background compared to the more ruthless Esme.

The first task was to follow a pattern to make a top. Most importantly, the fabric had to be cut on the bias allowing for more stretch. Gripping stuff, as not all the contestants had cut on the bias before. That’s a 45 degree angle to the grain of the fabric! It’s dangerous stuff, you know. Retired teacher and mum of two, Tracey, admitted she’d cut on the bias before, but that was a long time ago. Patrick and Esme were equally smug to learn that events manager, Angeline, had never used bias binding on a bias top before. I was on the edge of my seat.

Thankfully, Esme explained the secret to perfect bias binding as Claudia asked if you could just chop all the bunched up bits off. “No, you can’t just chop it,” snapped Esme, “you need to ease it in, because you need that length there.” Don’t we all, luv! See? Pure filth.

Ex teacher, Jamie, now a stay-at-home dad, won the task, with Junior Doctor, Rumana, coming last. Bless her, she told the cameras later she was pretty sure this week’s basic construction tasks were quite advanced. Obviously nothing to do with the fact she didn’t really follow the pattern, yet still expected all the wrongly-cut pieces to fit together anyway.

The next task was to alter a plain maternity dress to fit their mannequins, who were clearly struggling to contain themselves for the judges. Rumana totally redeemed herself and won the judges’ praise, but it was Jamie who took first place again.

I wasn’t expecting that…and neither was ex school admin officer, Joyce, whose altered dress incorporating sequined godets (triangular insertions to give shape), was visually stunning. Jamie’s, in my opinion, had transformed from a full-on maternity dress into some kind of post-natal contraption, complete with a billowing pouch for the new baby. Probably just me. I can’t lie.

The last task was to complete a skirt to fit a live model. The mannequins were obviously too tired by this point, or just busy. Poor Duncan, the young maths tutor, found himself chopping randomly at his skirt’s hem without even asking his model to take it off and was eventually the first contestant to leave the show.

The youngest contestant, 18 year old Jade, created a fabulous skirt and really caught the attention of potty mouthed judge, Esme, who couldn’t wait to ask, “Are you boning this?” Jade confessed her skirt would indeed be boned several times, to which Esme accused, “Okay…so you’ve obviously done boning before.” This woman has no shame.

Angeline’s figure-hugging pencil skirt won through as garment of the week with flying colours…literally, but not without inviting Esme’s praise of, “I think it fits really well under her arse,” followed swiftly by, “It’s sexy.” See, I’m not making it up. This show is so full of sauce you could squeeze it on your crab sticks.

Poor Joyce lamented, “I’ll drink my tea now. I’m sorry they didn’t put a drop of whiskey in it frankly, but there you go.” I’ll say one thing for her…she does love her godets. I think we’ll be seeing a lot more of Joyce’s godets as the series progresses.

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Anna May's picture

This week saw the nine remaining amateur sewers braced for scrutiny on their ability to construct children’s clothes. First off, a babygrow. Patrick seemed a little bit too in love with the idea of babygrows and confessed he’d quite like to wear one. That’s nice…but…um…no.

Moving on…having just about got over the stress of bias binding from last week, I was horrified to see it back so soon. To be fair to them all, the bias binding went pretty well. Phew! That said, ingenious Jamie decided he could convince the judges that bias binding looks better if you do it wrong. Basically, he did it wrong. The end.

Also, there was not just one sewing contraption on each of their tables. No, there were two. Enter the overlocker. No word of a lie, this thing can seriously eat your sewing up in seconds if you’re not careful. Forget all that hard work you did carefully cutting out your pieces. Just feed them slightly out of line into this little bastard and your finished item will be so out of shape you’ll have to iron it round a corner.

Sadly, Ghislaine didn’t cope well with her overlocker, but she wasn’t the only one, as even the most loyal zigzag fans were brutally forced to finish their seams the professional way. The stuff of nightmares…honestly!

What now? Poppers! Yes, press studs were on the menu and, what with Josh and his misaligned poppers and Tracey having put all hers on the opposite side, I didn’t think I could take any more. Imagine my agony when Joyce thought nobody would notice she’d put two male studs opposite each other. Why, Joyce, why!!!?

Finally, time was up and it was too late for the contestants to worry about slack gussets or having too much tuck in their openings. We’ve all been there (not enough tuck here, if I’m honest).

Charlotte’s perfect sewing skills won first place, but Ghislaine despaired as Patrick tried his best to console her with, “It's all just gone really badly wrong in all sorts of ways we couldn't have even imagined it was possible to go wrong.” His empathy touched me in all sorts of places I couldn’t have even imagined it was possible to be touched.

Time for a well earned break and, amid heavy sighs of relief, Claudia delighted in sending them all off to feast on Patrick’s doughnut tower. I don't know how they get away with this filth, I really don't.

On to the alteration challenge where Patrick, having obviously been led astray by Esme somewhat, seemed compelled to rub his fingers and thumb together when describing the fabric to be altered, whilst sordidly uttering the word ‘slippery’. I’ve run it back several (hundred) times to be sure…and it’s actually quite seductive…I mean…um…anyway...ahem.

Josh’s unimaginative, ill-fitting padded gilet came last, but Ghislaine came back fighting with a mini boxing outfit and won. Go her!

The last task was to make a cape for a live model. Josh made something he’d like to wear himself. Bit small, but fair enough. Then he asked the little girl he was sewing for if she liked her strangely short, brown, boyish cape...which looked quite weird on her…and, of course, she said yes. Don’t think so.

Meanwhile, Ghislaine had decided to cut out her fabric pieces freehand with no pattern. Not a good idea, especially as her ambitious scalloped hem was ultimately reduced to a slightly wavy line of top-stitching. This saw the end for Ghislaine, which is a shame because her passion for sewing is obvious. Joyce’s cape would have been my choice. Easy to wear, looked good, warm, functional. Poor Joyce, eh? If only she could stop making decent clothing you can actually wear. It’s a curse.

Again, Angeline rightfully won garment of the week and everyone applauded her, trying desperately not to belch up the aftertaste of Patrick’s doughnut tower from the day before. We've all been there as well.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Another great review, Anna. I'm going to review it myself next week. The voice of ignorance. What I know about sewing you can stuff up a gnat's backside. But what the hell...

Anna May's picture

I look forward to seeing how it should be done. Regarding your gnat's backside, may I recommend using several small amounts of stuffing, rather than one big lump...inserted with an appropriately sized haemostat. You're welcome.