This isn’t so much civilian Big Brother as a corrosive cocktail

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This isn’t so much civilian Big Brother as a corrosive cocktail

June 10, 2016 - 10:19
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Amid the developing hell of TV’s two houses of horror the early irritants are beginning to make their mark. And there’s something awfully familiar about them.

Emma Willis in Big Brother

Amid the developing hell of TV’s two houses of horror the early irritants are beginning to make their mark. And there’s something awfully familiar about them.

This isn’t so much civilian Big Brother as a corrosive cocktail. A scary cross between (extremely minor) Celebrity Big Brother and Ex (not) On The Beach.

“The game has changed,” we were told as Channel 5’s antique reality roadshow embarked on its 17th series. It certainly has.

Stand by for a nightmarish summer of discontent starring a loose affiliation of wannabes, never will-bes and no-hoper has-beens who have already launched their desperate bids for fame and fortune. And failed.

Which brings us to the lovely Lateysha Grace resurfacing to remind us she has a tattoo of a sheep on her most erogenous zone. She had this stylish artwork done when she distinguished herself on MTV’s everyday story of Welsh high-flyers The Valleys, a lowlife romp on the wild side that made Geordie Shore look intellectually challenging.

Despite evidence to the contrary, large Lateysha is convinced she’s a breath-taking beauty. “I’m stunning,” she insisted. “A diva, like. Stunning. Everybody fancies me.” An optimistic overstatement? You decide.

“I used to be a stripper,” she revealed, unsurprisingly. When Ms “Dis” Grace waddled onto the stage they all yelled: “Get ‘em on!”

In Her Travesty’s inaugural Diary Room address, she declared: “I’ve got a personality and I’m good looking.” Nought out of two ain’t bad. But, having seen her extraordinary antics on The Valleys, trust me, this girl will be talked about. A lot. Not in a good way.

Meanwhile, born again ludicrous loser Ryan Ruckledge downed so much booze he projectile vomited across the garden. Nice. Reminiscent of when he got spectacularly drunk on The X Factor and seething Simon Cowell dismissed him as “a horror of a human being”. One of the Dark Lord’s more perceptive assessments.

Next up on the list of almost famous nobodies is chef’s son Marco Pierre White Jnr. who has parties in hotels and sometimes finds people he hasn’t met sleeping on the floor. Crazy, just crazy. To establish his crackers credentials he jumped into the BB pool. Wait for it… with his jeans and trainers on! Wow.

But if you thought mad Marco was a Z lister, Scouse male model Alex Cannon is not known to millions as Vicky Pattison’s best friend. When Ms P toured the country filming her little remembered flop Judge Vicky, nice but dull Alex was her chauffeur. Er… that’s it.

Also peering just above the parapet is PC warrior Andy West, the regional Beeb reporter suspended from his job after expressing his disgust over his employers allowing “homophobic misogynist” boxer Tyson Fury to be a contender for the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year award.

“I’d like to think the best thing about me is my brain,” said likeable Andy. Well, it’s definitely not his clothes.

Of the first timers trying to escape the obscurity for which they were designed, terror twins Emma and Victoria Jensen are doing their best to be zany and way out there. But their woeful wacky act fell apart when vegan Vic vowed: “I’m not going to drink alcohol.” Outrageous!

So what do these identical sisters do for a living? They’re “organic clothing designers and international DJs”. Translation: they’re unemployed. And how can you tell them apart? Emma’s slightly less bookish.

It’s possible that I misheard modest Laura “I could have every man in the room” Carter. But I could have sworn she said: “I’ve gone from housewife to absolute international boiler.” If not, why not?

Not forgetting tin-pot tycoon Chelsea (yes, Chelsea) Singh who allegedly sold his first company for “about two and a half billion pounds.” About? Billion? If you say so Mr Bigshot.

And, all the way from Sydney’s exciting suburbs, self-styled sultry siren Evelyn Ellis arrived on British telly and boasted: “My best feature would be my t*ts.” Thanks.

Over in Channel 5’s secret alternative house where “The Others” are plotting to create “pain and paranoia”, Jayne Connery, 49, growled: “I’m a little bulldog.” But enough of what you look like. What kind of person are you?

Contrived drama as hard-faced lap dancer Charlie discovered her ex Jason was only a heartbeat away and burst into theatrical tears. And, it seems, ridiculous Ryan also has history with one of the contestants he has yet to encounter.

That would be Blackpool’s not very handsome dork-about-town with weird curly hair Sam Giffen who proudly announced: “People have told me I’m the best looking person they’ve ever seen.” Sam, mate, that’s only because you patted their guide dogs.

There is 1 Comment

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Submitted by oathy on Thu, 09/06/2016 - 23:52

By Oathy  

When Love island first launched remember the hammering Big Brother gave it?

 Since Channel 5 took over the format instead of realising the fanbase this show already had all they needed to do was keep it simple and learn the mistakes C4 ended up doing.

After making some progress in getting the show back to the original format its transformation into TOWIE/Love island is complete the only problem is those shows do it so much better.

"Normal" big brother will never pull in the viewers it did 7-8 years ago but they pushed so many original and now older fans away, for any commercial network to do that is just complete madness.

The original format is doing fine around the world its only struggling in the countries that followed C5's vision, why bother with the elaborate house the nasty twists and even nastier housemates when viewers only get to see 45 minutes? they even axed the twitter updates.

C5/Viacom seem happy enough for the show to pull in 1-1,5 million viewers but if they just listen to the fans and accept a lot of changes simply haven't worked 2 million is more than achievable. But also showing they don't just have to rely on CBB Its just really sad seeing the show in its current state.

The very nature of the show is about renewal new housemates, new conflicts alliances. but they keep putting in clones of the same people year on year so the renewal just doesn't happen