After ensuring that the new SUGAR ME SWEET Arg recruits had no pornographic material “including inflatable dolls”, master-atarms Ian Gritt was ready to embark on a TV voyage.

Channel 4’s entertaining Royal Navy School followed the fortunes of the latest bunch of wannabes who will be turned into seafaring warriors at HMS Raleigh in Cornwall. In theory.

“I always wanted to be a pirate,” revealed jaunty Jimmy Myatt. “But there weren’t no jobs in the local paper.” Situation vacant: Swashbuckler. Must have one leg and an eye patch.

As seen on Royal Marines Commando School, the militaristic regime was packed with press-ups and high-volume discipline.

Spotting a hapless rookie not wearing his hat, Officer Gritt yelled: “Thou shalt not cross the quadrangle negative headgear!” Orders in English as a second language.

But the stand-out star was shouty drill instructor Chantell Cox as she battled to teach the unable seamen how to march.

“It’s not rocket science,” she bellowed. “It’s just walking. You start as potatoes. In ten weeks you’ll be a packet of crisps.” Walkers?