Over to TOWIE’s fantasy land where little Liam “Gatsby” Blackwell deludes himself he’s the next Kanye West.

The not-so-great Gatsby put the rap into crap. But in his tiny mind he’s destined for the top of the charts and global superstardom. Dream on.

Yelling into his mobile, the diminutive big shot reeled off his specific requirements for the lavish cliché-ridden video that will propel him straight to number one…

And he’s off: “I want a helicopter in it. I want champagne bottles popping. I want there to be loads of girls around. Because it’s definitely going to be the tune of the summer.

“And obviously if they’ve got a problem with anything pricewise, don’t worry about that, I’ll cover it. I want it at number one by the first week of April.” Call me cynical, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it.

But while Gatters played pretend pop, clever Chloe Sims revealed that she’s not just a surgically altered pretty face.

“I know about current affairs,” she lied. “Have you heard about the sugar tax? We’ve been brought up on eating sugar. It’s like they give it to us and they’re trying to take it away. Don’t do that sh*t!” Question Time here she comes.

Educated Chloe’s ridiculous relationship with Love Island’s Neanderthal man Jon Clark is going nowhere fast. Jon: “Can you speak Chinese?” Chloe: “Yes.” Long silence. Cracking conversation.

But the big story of another eventful week unfolded at the intellectual pub quiz after Arg asked his learned friends: “What’s the name of Pete Wicks’ dog?”

Obviously, it was such a boring question no one cared what the real answer was. But when caustic Kate Wright quipped “Megan” it brought the house down.

Not exactly side-splitting. In Essex they set the bar low for humour. But it was only a matter of time before the butt of the weak joke found out. And for once the girl wasn’t going to take it lying down.

After her explosive temper tantrums turned Ex On The Beach and Celebrity Big Brother into frightening horror shows, mad Megan McKenna has been strutting around the spray-tan zone like a volcano ready to erupt.

But when she bumped into wisecracking Kate by complete choreographed coincidence the inevitable showdown was a severe disappointment.

No fireworks. Just an agreement that it was “a sh*t joke” that had been blown out of proportion. A mature and sensible resolution. Who wants that? If moody Megan’s not going to throw her toys out of pram ITVBe might as well dump her.

Is she all sweetness and light because she’s fallen for towering five footer Pete? What the vertically challenged hunk lacks in height he makes up for with tattoos.

“There’s more important things in life than losing your nut all the time,” he told the crazy woman of his nightmares. “I really want to f*** you.” Who said romance was dead?

Meanwhile, boys will be boys and the wacky sports challenges continued apace. And when Team Real once again beat Team Alpha, triumphant Arg declared: “You can go to the gym all day and build up muscles. But you can’t build-up passion.”  

How would he know? Fatso has been trying to get in shape for 17 series. It’s never gonna happen.

But not much gets past large Arg. Spotting Diags’ sorry excuse for a moustache, our eagle-eyed hero enquired: “Are you taking part in Movember?” No, Arg… it’s March.

This review first appeared on Sun Online.