Just when I was adjusting to the emptiness of life without Embarrassing Bodies, Channel 4's deep sleaze divers filled the void. Thank God for The Man With 10-Stone Testicles.
Don't you hate it when programmes have cryptic titles that don't really explain what they're about?
But over to narrator Alex McQueen who helpfully informed us that Las Vegas's unluckiest man Wesley Warren Junior's giant gonads were “what many believe to be the biggest in the world...”
Believe to be? The poor guy had space hoppers dangling between his legs! If there were any bigger balls anywhere... I think we'd have probably heard about them. When there was a total eclipse of the sun.
So let's award Warren with the record. And marvel at the fact-filled script which sensationally revealed: “He can't go out on dates or have sex.”
Yeah, I suppose some girls might be slightly put off those asteroid sized orbs he was lugging around.
Dressing them in upside down hoodies was a unique fashion statement that's unlikely to take Milan and Paris by storm. But you never know...
Refusing to beat about the bush, our hobbling hero sighed: “It's a sort of living breathing freak show.” And that's exactly why this load of bollocks(literally) was on Channel 4 – the home of shameless voyeurism.
But it wasn't all bad news. No worries about where to eat dinner for Warren. He simply covered his personal planets with a table cloth, put his plate on them... and chowed down. Perfect.
It was five years ago at the age of 45 when it all changed for the fun loving payphone location scout. (Strange job.)
While getting out of bed he slammed his leg into his right testicle. The ultimate male nightmare. As they say in cricket... one ball left.
“The most intense pain ever,” he recalled. “The next morning it was the size of a soccer ball.” And it kept on growing. At the alarming rate of 3lbs a month.
Full marks to the British camera crew for following waddling Warren into the loo for a graphic demonstration of his pee-ing technique.
As a urine waterfall took the scenic route over his massive man sacks, he politely inquired: “Too disturbing already?” For C4? No way! Dr Christian Jessen would kill to witness this.
But while Warren's condition was confounding doctors, his Aunt Essie was in no doubt...
“This is Satan!” she wailed. Sure, but old Lucifer has never been renowned for giving blokes ginormous genitals. Maybe he should add it to his nefarious repertoire. It's a diabolical winner.
Anyway, after Nevada's kind hearted Social Security department stopped Warren's benefits because he was earning a few bucks from the media, he despaired.
“I'm frightened I'm going to be homeless and out on the street with a 200lb testicle sack,” he sobbed. A grim prospect.
With no medical insurance, Warren couldn't remotely afford the astronomically expensive surgery he so desperately needed.
Enter Californian urologist Prof. Joel Gelman... who generously performed the nine hour operation for free.
Amid glorious close-ups, Joel cried: “Oh my God... there's the penis! Yay! I wanna take a picture of this.” Who wouldn't?
Sadly, the Prof blocked his penniless patient's plan to sell his unfeasibly large detached testicles on E-bay. Pity. I was hoping to add to my collection...
But at last Warren could live normally again. Now he was just immensely fat.
“I'm looking forward to picking up where I left off... and expanding.” he said. Expanding? Surely not...