A useful phrase for The Voice rejects: Would you like fries that?

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A useful phrase for The Voice rejects: Would you like fries that?

April 03, 2016 - 07:34
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With exquisite timing The Voice’s reigning champion Stevie McCrorie has announced his next exciting career move. He’s re-joining the fire brigade.

The Voice: The last four standing Kevin Simm, Lydia Lucy, Cody Frost and Jolan.

With exquisite timing The Voice’s reigning champion Stevie McCrorie has announced his next exciting career move. He’s re-joining the fire brigade.

As the current competition staggers towards its conclusion that’s exactly what the remaining wannabes didn’t want. A reminder of what the Beeb’s lack-of-talent contest can do for its wonderful winners. Nothing.

Victory on TV’s annual search-for-a-nobody is a one-way ticket to obscurity. If you’re unfortunate enough to triumph, you’re going nowhere fast. The ground’s the limit.

After long-forgotten Stevie returned to sing one of his signature flops, his former mentor Ricky Wilson said: “He’s doing what people in the music industry do.” Putting out fires.

Whether this year’s hopefuls will land a job in the emergency services remains to be seen. But if past experience is anything to go by, they’d better keep their options open. Because as a passport to fame and fortune, The Voice’s track record leaves a lot to be desired. Number of series so far - five. Number of stars discovered - zero.

Anyway, on the plus side, at least all of the semi-finalists turned up. No last minute drugs scandals or health issues. Woohoo.

But, despite being wildly over-praised by the prattling panellists, most of them weren’t exactly breathtakingly brilliant. Here’s a useful phrase that might come in handy as they plan their futures: “Would you like fries with that?”

“The only thing that separates the acts now is their voice,” insisted Ricky before we were assailed with their boring back stories featuring the families that, predictably, meant everything to them. Mums, dads, nans, wives, kids… you couldn’t move for them.

Never mind their voices, bring on their dead relatives. Naturally, grieving Lydia Lucy (sister) and Jolan (mum) sailed through to the final. Tears cascading down her cheeks, Lydia revealed that her tragic sibling’s name was Lucy. So she was called Lucy Lucy?

“You’ve been an absolutely fantastic coach,” lied host Emma Willis after both of PC warrior Paloma Faith’s warblers were kicked into touch.

So the first chance the viewers got to vote for transgender Jordan, they voted her out. Good luck to her. But after none of the chairs spun for her in the blind auditions, mysteriously bringing her back was an affront to the format.

Meanwhile, evidently this epic two hour-plus Saturday night unspectacular was “amazing”. I tried to keep a tally of the a-word count, but gave up at three million. Take it away Emma: “It was amazing. You looked like you had an amazing time. Look at him, he looks amazing.” Amazing. You get the picture.

The solo efforts were decidedly questionable. But the group performances were beyond belief. When Ricky, Kevin and Jolan treated us to their cabaret version of Power Of Love, they shared the stage with the kind of gyrating dancing girls we haven’t seen since Top Of The Pops circa 1975. Pan’s People without the laughs.

Talking of criminally old fashioned, what the hell were Will.i.am and his two hapless protégés doing on bicycles murdering ancient disco classics? Not amazing.

As for the last four standing, Cody stands out from the crowd. She’s – er – amazing. But do we want her to win? Not really. She deserves a lot better than that.

My review is also in The Sun.