EastEnders: Keeping it real in Walford’s ludicrous killing fields

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EastEnders: Keeping it real in Walford’s ludicrous killing fields

March 17, 2016 - 19:29
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So Claudette killed her husband and FatBoy. Hoping to make it a hat trick, she also thought she’d killed Gavin… but he wasn’t quite dead.

Nancy Carter played by Maddy Hill

So Claudette killed her husband and FatBoy. Hoping to make it a hat trick, she also thought she’d killed Gavin… but he wasn’t quite dead.

Later, after catching Vincent in the process of killing Claudette, Patrick thought he’d killed her… but she wasn’t quite dead. (Do you see a pattern emerging here?)

Congratulations to the dizzying EastEnders murder-go-round for keeping it real. Everyday storylines we can all relate to.

In weird and woeful Walford popping your clogs is only ever temporary. Returning from beyond the grave is a popular local pastime. The Cockney rabble’s favourite hobby.

“It was an accident,” protested Vincent after his resilient mother dug herself out of the foundations.

“Accident?” stormed Claudette. “You buried me!” She had a point.

By now Donna had learned to her horror that “Cleavage Claudette” was the psychopath responsible for FatBoy’s scrapyard crushing in the boot of a car. And she was none too pleased.

After banishing her maniac mum from her so called life, she was also less than thrilled about Vincent’s pretend postcards from Austria designed to convince her that her beloved Fats was still alive.

Are you following any of this ludicrous nonsense? No, me neither. Hats off to the space cadet scriptwriters for whom realism and plausibility are alien concepts.

Meanwhile, man of reason Mick Carter was having trouble understanding the word “accident” and appeared to believe that Nancy deliberately knocked baby Ollie to the ground in a fall that left him with possible brain damage.

As she mounted a bedside vigil at the hospital, Linda insisted: “He’s going to pull through and there’s going to be no blaming anyone.” Translation: he’s not going to pull through and the blame game will go into overdrive.

Naturally, “the Social” are all over the situation, interviewing feuding siblings Nancy and Lee in a bid to work out whether the crazy Carters are responsible enough to bring up a child. Which, obviously, they’re not.

The Queen Vic is a turbulent cauldron of despair populated by tempestuous lunatics who do nothing but scream and shout at each other. It’s no place to raise a little boy. As the police will discover while they investigate whether Nancy is guilty of criminal assault.

In other joyous news… morose Martin returned to perform Albert Square’s best known ritual: the angry packing of the bags. And the sobbing stallholder very nearly went through with his threat to leave London E20’s vale of tears. But stupidly changed his mind.

Along the way he punched Kush in the face again. But Kush struck back by assuring his former best pal: “Arthur might be my son. But you will always be his dad.” How deeply meaningless.

Talking of violence, Phil Mitchell arrived at the alcohol support group where – in full BBC public announcement mode - session leader Lorna parroted: “The thing about these meetings is you have to give them a chance. They can make you better.” If you’ve been affected by this dismal dialogue… watch something else.

Enough to drive anyone to drink. Especially, Phil who turned on his heels and proceeded directly to the Vic. Cheers.

There is 1 Comment

Cheryl Allen's picture

After allegedly digging her way out, she had the most perfect manicure and her nails were long. Quite often Dot Cotton, the pensioner still working in the launderette, also has perfect nails. This is why she's still working it's to pay for the manicures.