My favourite lines…

The Voice… and the judges wax lyrical about Lyrickal. Ricky: “You always wanted to show people who’s the real you.” Paloma: “I just think he’s so real.” George: “There’s something real about the way he sings.” And it was so real when the viewers voted him straight off the show.

Geordie Shore… and curvy Chloe shrieks: “If you walk on your toes it makes you lose weight.” Chloe, I suggest you try ballet lessons.

TV gold… Rowan Atkinson on ITV’s Maigret. Steve Coogan bonking a cartoon granny on Sky Atlantic’s weird but wonderful Happyish. The shock return of Keeley Hawes on BBC2’s peerless Line Of Duty. Child actor Max Vento on BBC1’s The A Word.

TV dross… The feeble plot on ITV’s Maigret. Bear Grylls on The Island With Bear Grylls. The non-stop swearing on The Island With Bear Grylls. BBC2’s life-sappingly old-fashioned sitcom Two Doors Down. BBC1’s ridiculously repetitive Can’t Touch This breaking new ground in tedium.