After anguished American Anastacia’s below-par routine consigned her to the bottom two, host Tess Daly asked the judges: “What does she need to do?”

The answer should have been to improve her performance and win the dance-off. Instead, the stricken singer announced that she’d torn her mastectomy scar and was too badly injured to carry on. And the Sunday show descended into farce.

As he prepared to impress, little-known Melvyn Odoom declared: “Do you know what? We’ll do it again and smash it again.” Panto voice: “Oh no you won’t!” Moments later the poor guy was packing his bags.

“Under the rules of Strictly,” said Claudia Winkleman in a reference to the rules they make up as they go along. “We can bring you a result.” And with that, the dramatic dance-off was replaced by an undramatic count-up of the viewers' votes and Melvyn was told to Foxtrot Oscar.

Bit of an anti-climactic joke, but it was episode four and someone simply had to go. Why on Earth it wasn’t the contestant who retired hurt remains a mystery. But, incredibly, it also wasn’t former Cha Cha Chancellor of the Exchequer Ed “Glitter” Balls.

Our hopeless hero’s hoedown cowboy version of the Charleston wasn’t bad… it was terrible. But despite his thoroughly deserved position at the bottom of the panellists’ charts, the public saved him. Which just goes to prove you can’t trust the public.

Following the Labour heavyweight’s wild arm-swinging impression of a human windmill, easily amused Bruno Tonioli insisted: “We’ve seen the funny side of Ed Balls.” But not in a good way.

Over to cartoon villain Craig Revel Horwood: “That’s a sight I don’t ever wish to see again. Technically, it was a disaster.” Apart from that it was faultless. Well done, Ed.

Meanwhile, a less than triumphant week for warbler Will Young who was haunted by a personal nightmare: “I feel like I’m back in Pop Idol," he sighed. " I just had a big flashback. But there’s no Simon Cowell so that’s nice.” Agreed.

EastEnders favourite Tameka Empson secured her future by mysteriously pretending to be on a tugboat. And headmaster Len Goodman warned Olympic golden boy Greg Rutherford that his bum stuck out. “I’ve got a big bum!” protested Greg.

Still with high praise, caustic Craig informed self-styled king of ballroom Judge Rinder: “Unfortunately, you have hands like a bricklayer’s trowel. Look at your face in the mirror. It is quite annoying.” Agreed.

At the other end of the scale class swots Louise Redknapp, Laura Whitmore and Daisy Lowe continued to dazzle. Although Uncle Len penalised Daisy for an illegal lift in her Cha Cha Cha. Docking the crestfallen model a point, he boomed: “I just thought clamp it down early doors.” Who cares?

To be brutally honest, this is such an underwhelming minor celebrity line-up that the most interesting aspect of the competition is the sheer breath-taking awfulness of balls-up Balls. Hard to give much of a damn about the rest of them.

Nevertheless, nearly nine million tuned in to not watch the dance-off. Massively more than the six million or so who endured The X Factor’s dreadful Judges Houses bore-athon. Once again, Strictly is waltzing all over ITV’s karaoke capers. Same every year.

Anyway, stand by for the “all-out celluloid dance extravaganza” they call Movie Week. In which Ms Lowe will play Mary Poppins. And Judge Rinder is heading to a place right out of history. “I’m going to be a Flintstone!” he revealed. Wilma?

But the good news is that doctors have cleared Anastasia for a return to the fray. So let’s hope that from now on it’s the dance-off that decides the dancers’ fates. Never mind the alleged rules we’ve never heard of. No dance off… no point.