Like all programmes of its genre, BBC1’s tiresomely wacky new game show Can’t Touch This starts tolerably enough.

Some dweeb trying to negotiate an obstacle course (as seen on Total Wipeout, Ninja Warrior UK, Gladiators etc.) while the convulsing hosts pretend it’s quite the most hilarious thing they’ve ever seen.

The fake-laughing duo in this instance are Strictly dancer Zoe Ball and Diversity dancer Ashley Banjo who double up in hyena-like hysterics every time a wannabe falls over or plunges into the water. It’s the sort of slapstick tosh you might find vaguely amusing until you reach the age of five.

To make matters worse Sue Perkins is on hand with the kind of cosy comedy commentary that only middle-class squares at the Beeb think is funny. The same execu-twits who are bowled over by saucy Sue’s witless innuendos on the Bake Off.

But as retired businessman Stewart set off in pursuit of a series of less-than-fabulous prizes it was just about passable. After being human-catapulted into a foam skip, he tripped on the travellator, plummeted into the pool and arrived at the pole vault of doom.

“I don’t think I can watch this,” whispered Zoe, echoing my thoughts. “Or maybe I can. It’s probably going to be very funny.” In your dreams, Ballsy.

Because Stewart’s 62, they played old codger Steptoe music. No great surprise considering the BBC’s track record for ageism.

By now Zoe and Ashley were helpless, slapping their thighs and gasping for breath. Drenched senior citizen flat on his back… be still my aching sides.

“I didn’t mean to laugh,” giggled Zoe. “But there were some very funny moments.” I didn’t manage to laugh… because there weren’t.

Anyway, following Stewart’s ordeal the big problem began. Thereinafter we had to watch slightly different people attempting the same challenges over and over again. It was like endlessly repeating a joke and expecting the punchline to keep on getting better.

Every single contestant smacked into the vaulting pole, failed to hang on and slid into the drink. Then they replayed the indistinguishable mishaps in slow motion ad infinitum. Until I wanted to throw a brick at the screen. A severe case of slow-mo fever when they also replayed Zoe and Ashley guffawing. I mean… why?

The prizes – a coffee machine, a smoothie maker, Bluetooth speakers, tickets for two to Barcelona – didn’t exactly take your breath away. And when the juvenile proceedings climaxed with a small-deal bid to win a car, it was reminiscent of Jim Bowen and Bullseye. But not as entertaining.

“T’s tiny,” boomed Ashley. “Can she jump high enough to bag the robotic vacuum cleaner?” No. Next question.

Round two involved the ascent of Spin Mountain, some manic musical chairs elimination thing and – to the tune of Mission Impossible – the chance to scoop a lawnmower. Wow.

“One rule,” they said. “Touch the prize – win the prize.” But, despite a whole lotta touching by everyone, they all walked away empty handed apart from the champion. And even he only landed three of the reasonably priced items he’d set his heart on. CTT is a cheapo affair.

But congratulations to Lewys from Cardiff who announced: “I just want to make my family proud.” Hopefully, they’re easily pleased.

In one giant leap for a Welshman, Lew flew through the air and touched the car. Sadly, by this point I realised I’d lost something… my will to live.