Variety is the price of strife

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Variety is the price of strife

December 13, 2015 - 14:47
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As seen on ITV, the latest epic Royal Variety Performance was the best for years. Or to put it more accurately... the least terrible. With his granny and dad wisely ducking out, poor Prince Harry drew the short straw and had to sit through 160 minutes of middling pop groups and mediocre comedians. (review date 13.12.2015)

As seen on ITV, the latest epic Royal Variety Performance was the best for years. Or to put it more accurately... the least terrible.

With his granny and dad wisely ducking out, poor Prince Harry drew the short straw and had to sit through 160 minutes of middling pop groups and mediocre comedians.

Worse still he was forced to endure fawning host Jack Whitehall's excruciating display of frantic forelock touching. A posh boy sucking up to an even posher boy. That's entertainment.

Part of the pageant of this annual luvvies bonanza requires the resident Royals to look like jolly good sports as they're subjected to cheeky (but not too cheeky) jokes.

Our thanks to Uriah Whitehall for taking this embarrassing tradition to a whole new level. Funny or smarmy? You decide...

First he praised Harry to the hilt for his Army stint in Afghanistan, his charity work and “the brilliant Invictus Games.” The court jester's deep respect duly established, then came the slightly naughty be-me-ever-so-'umble quips.

“Prince Harry is genuinely one of my heroes,” he began, daringly. “Have we got any other Prince Harry fans here tonight?” Loads of 'em.

After a series of sycophantic gags involving taking pictures at parties which somehow made me think of Las Vegas, jaunty Jack declared: “Good, he's laughing... or this could have been a very long night.” Could have been? At nearly three hours, it was.

In fairness, when he's not crawling to his regal superiors, Mr Whitehall is quite amusing. Which is more than can be said of the other stand-ups who trudged through their dire routines to puny ripples of polite applause.

“Feel free to roll in the aisles,” boomed master of ceremonies Jim Carter (aka Downton butler Carson). “It's comedian Romesh Ramanathan.” Safe to say, no one rolled in the aisles.

But Ram was sidesplitting compared to Chris Ramsey, who didn't say anything remotely humorous but was clearly really proud of his new baby son.

Very strange. Strutting around the stage, Geordie Chris acts like a wise-cracking comic but doesn't seem to realise that a plodding punch line-free monologue about his lovely life won't make people laugh.

And as for politico Matt Forde... he launched with a dreadful Nigel Farage impression, went downhill from there and died a horrible death. The Royal Albert Hall has never been so quiet.

Meanwhile, controversial Britain's Got Talent winners Jules and Matisse were introduced by Alesha Dixon as “Jules, Matisse and friends”. And there were so many dogs on stage it was impossible to tell which one was Matisse.

On the musical front, po-faced One Direction sang their single without moving. And were soon put in their place by the energetic Ricky Martin.

Kylie Minogue's American Christmas ditty assured us it's the most wunnerful time of the year and Little Mix reminded us why it's so baffling that they're one the world's most successful girl groups.

High points... Jimmy Tarbuck's touching tribute to Cilla Black. The famous Chim Chim Cher-ee from the Mary Poppins musical.

Low points... Josh Grodin's hideously old fashioned Pure Imagination. The not-so-famous Practically Perfect from the Mary Poppins musical.

But even the worst star turns weren't disastrous. It's the sheer marathon-nature of the event that delivers guaranteed tedium.

Top of the bill Elton John's lively set was greeted more with relief than joy. At last it was almost over.